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Crickett Rumley : "Never Sit Down in a Hoopskirt" (part 2/2)

The novel "Never Sit Down in a Hoopskirt and Other Things I Learned in Southern Belle Hell" by American writer Crickett Rumley

Expelled from thirteen boarding schools in the past five years, seventeen-year-old Jane Fontaine Ventouras is returning to her Southern roots, and the small town of Bienville, Alabama, where ladies always wear pearls, nothing says hospitality like sweet tea and pimento cheese sandwiches, and competing in the annual Magnolia Maid Pageant is every girls dream.But Jane is what you might call an anti-belle. The last thing on her mind is joining the Magnolia Maid brigade and parading around town in a dress so big she cant even fit through doors. But when her grandmother sweetly asks her to try out, if only to follow in her mothers footsteps, Jane reluctantly agrees, comforted by the fact that shell never in a million years be chosen to become a Maid. Until she is chosenand then all hell breaks loose. So when she finds herself up to her ears in ruffles and etiquette lessons, shes got one mission: Escape.Whats a hipster to do ? Will Jane survive Bienville boot camp intact or will they ' gasp ! ' make a Southern belle out of her yet ?

PART 2/2 (Chapters 12-21)

EGMONT

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First published by Egmont USA, 2011

443 Park Avenue South, Suite 806

New York, NY 10016

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

1 3 5 7 9 8 6 4 2

www.egmontusa.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Rumley, Crickett.

Never sit down in a hoopskirt and other things I learned in Southern belle hell/Crickett Rumley.

p. cm.

Summary : After being ousted from yet another elite boarding school, seventeen-year-old Jane returns to her Alabama hometown, where her grandmother persuades her to enter the Magnolia Maid pageant.

ISBN 978-1-60684-131-0 (pbk.) - ISBN 978-1-60684-255-3 (e-book) [1. Conduct of life - Fiction. 2. Beauty contests - Fiction. 3. Etiquette - Fiction. 4. Grandmothers - Fiction. 5. Fathers and daughters - Fiction. 6. Alabama - Fiction.]

I. Title.

PZ7.R8879Nev 2011

[Fic] - dc22

2010043617

Printed in the United States of America

Book design by Room39b

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher and copyright owner.

In loving memory of my mother, Franke Kugler Rumley, who lived every day as a work of art and taught me to do the same.

Contents

(Chapters 11-21 are in the Part 1/2)

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter Twelve

"I can't. I'm sorry, Jane, but I really do have to vote for Ashley, " Caroline said as she plunged a stake into the sparkling sands of Bienville State Beach. It was the first Saturday of June, the day of the big Magnolia Maid Beach Cleanup, and we were measuring sections of shorefront so that we could keep track of how much we cleaned, then collect our donations accordingly. Zara and Brandi Lyn were working at the other end of the beach.

"Give me one good reason why, " I replied. Zara and I had decided that since there was no way in hell Mallory would ever break ranks with Ashley to tilt the queen vote over to Brandi Lyn, the only way to burst the deadlock was to get to Caroline.

As she searched for a reason, I handed her one end of the tape measure and paced with the other end along the white gulf sand. It was so glistening and gorgeous even at seven o'clock in the morning. Hard to believe that within a few days it would probably be besmirched by oil residue. When I reached twenty feet, Caroline joined me and plunged another stake in the sand.

"I know Ashley is a bit"

"Malicious ? Toxic ? Spiteful ?"

"Strong-willed."

"Nice euphemism, Caroline, for a girl who wreaks a hell of a lot of evil."

"She's not evil, Jane."

"Let's be real. Ashley only has the interests of Ashley in mind. She doesn't care about any of us or what we think. No way is she about being part of a team. But Brandi Lyn, that girl is one hundred percent genuine, and you know it."

"But Mother would curl up and die if she made queen."

"I know ! Wouldn't that just rock ?"

Caroline blanched. "Jane, please. You don't have to live with her. I'm already in so much trouble. Mother's mad that I only made alternate and that" She clammed up as her face turned red and tears welled up in her eyes.

"About what ?" I reached out and touched her arm. "Caroline, what's wrong ? Are you okay ?" She nodded vigorously, but the raindrops pouring from her eyes said otherwise. Her chest heaved with quiet sobs until a big one escaped her lungs. "Do you want to talk about it ?"

She nodded. I coaxed her to a seat on the sand, and out poured what Mizz Upton was really furious about - she had put Caroline on Jenny Craig a few months ago and so far Caroline had failed to lose an ounce. In fact, she had managed to gain six pounds. "What is wrong with me ?" bemoaned Caroline. "I eat the food they give me, and I try to exercise, I really do, but I can't help it ! It's like there's a monster inside of me and it takes over. If I see cookies I have to eat a dozen. If there's Ben and Jerry's in the house, I have to eat the whole pint. I can't stop it. Mother is right. I'm a big, fat slob and that's all I'm ever going to beeeeeeeeee !" Caroline sobbed.

"Caroline, please. Don't talk about yourself that way. You're not a slob. You always look perfectly neat and presentable."

"But I am fat and you know it !"

Sweet Bars of Hershey ! Here I was, trapped in a lose-lose situation, no matter what I said. I gave it my best. "I'm sure people might say you could stand to lose a few a pounds, but so could lots of folks."

"No one in my family. Not my mother. And have you seen my sister ? She's a beanpole !"

"She's twelve !"

"And skinny and everybody loves her for it."

"Well, that's a stupid reason to love somebody." Seriously, do a few more or less pounds make someone more or less lovable ? Here in the South, it seems like almost everybody gets fat sooner or later. What's the point in judging others for it ?

"Jane, I'm so scared. What if something happens to one of the other Maids and I have to make an appearance ? I'll look like a big peach whale. People will laugh at me !"

"No they won't." Except they probably would, darn it. "Caroline, if you really feel this way, don't you think having Ashley as queen would be the worst choice possible ? There's not a bone of sensitivity in her body."

"Don't you think I know that ? Don't you think I heard her call me Caroline Plumpton the night of the pageant ?"

"Actually, I was kind of hoping you hadn't."

"Well, I did. I know that everybody calls me that. And I know that Ashley doesn't like me and also thinks I am a fat slob, and I can't stand her, either, but I just can't vote against her right now. I have to walk into my mother's house every day, and I can't have one more reason for her to look at me like I'm shower scum. I can't do it, Jane. I'm sorry."

I groaned. "Okay. I get it. We'll figure something else out." Like what ? Hiring an assassin to off old Ashley ?

We continued our measuring, and by the time we arrived at beach cleanup headquarters - a tent Mr. Walter had set up over a handful of picnic tables - Ashley and Mallory were lollygagging around on a bench in a big display of displeasure.

"Nice showing up on time, Ashley, " I said as I tapped the nonexistent watch on my wrist. "Punctuality is such a good trait for a Magnolia Maid to develop. I believe that's listed in chapter five."

"Sorry, this isn't exactly my neck of the woods, Jane." Oops, there it was. Dig number one of the day. We chose this particular beach because it's situated at the point where the bay flows into the Gulf of Mexico, so it would most likely be the first place where oil would hit our community. As luck would have it, Bienville State Beach was pretty far out in the county, meaning in a poor section. It was far from the places where Old Bienvillites maintained their summer cottages. Ashley's little remark meant that this place was beneath her, in her esteemed opinion. And so were the people who used this beach. After all, only people who didn't have their own beachfront property had to use state beaches.

Ashley surveyed the shoreline. "And you really think we can clean this whole beach in six hours ? It's pretty big."

"I do, if every member of the organization gets off her Magnolia booty and does her fair share of the work." I arched an eyebrow in her lollygagging direction.

Oddly enough, it didn't spark a snappy comeback. In fact, Ashley's face lit up like the sky over Bienville Bay on the Fourth of July. "Our dandies are here ! Our dandies are here !" she squealed. She and Mallory sped over to a Land Cruiser that was careening into the beach parking lot as if a bunch of firecrackers had just been lit under it. Out poured some of Old Bienville's finest young scions : Ashley's boyfriend, James Hardison III; Mallory's pick of the week, Andrew Lancer; and this guy named Jules Dupree, who I vaguely recalled was Caroline's cousin. Talk about blasts from the past. God, I think I danced with all three of them at cotillion back when we were all a foot shorter and a ton gawkier. If I remembered correctly, James was a quiet sort while Andrew was the alpha male. A loud, obnoxious kid always looking for some sort of trouble. Not unlike me, ha-ha-ha. Jules, I don't know. Seemed like just another rich prepster with a lot of money and no real need to do anything to earn it.

We were all in the middle of hellos and introductions when I heard a second vehicle pull up beside the SUV. Oh no. Suddenly, every cell in my body switched to vibrate. I recognized the sound of that diesel engine ! It was a Mercedes sedan, circa 1970-something. I remembered the sound of that door slamming. I'd heard it a million times coming from 511 Magnolia Street when I first moved to Grandmother's. He was here. I knew it. I sensed it moments before his Nike Zooms and his broad shoulders came around the back of the SUV. Before his golden locks popped into view. Before his now deepened man's voice called out, "Hey, everybody !"

Luke Churchville.

All I could think was, Thank God I'm not wearing a Magnolia Maid dress.

We used to play this game, Luke and I, when we were kids, in his attic at night where one of us would be It, and the other person would go stand and hide somewhere in the dark space. Except you wouldn't hide, you'd just go to a part of the room and stand really, really still while It stumbled through the dark trying to locate Not-it from the sound of Not-its breath. We got the idea from watching Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs during that super-creepy scene where she's trapped in the basement of the evil serial killer and he's stalking her while wearing the night-vision goggles, reaching out to touch her hair and she doesn't even know it. Ewwww. We did the same thing, only we didn't have any night-vision goggles. We just had breath and sound and feel. Still. It was good and creepy.

But now that Luke and I were actually breathing the same air - now that he wasn't safely sheltered by the roof of his car as it drove by my house, or ensconced harmlessly three church pews away, I wondered if I remained motionless - really, really still - maybe he wouldn't notice me and I wouldn't have to deal. I could just sneak over to my car and hurry home to safety.

But then Mallory bounded over and shrieked, "Jaaaaane ! Oh my God ! Look who's heeeeee-re !"

Great ! Blow my cover, Mal, why don't you ?! Here I was trying to make myself invisible, and she dashes over to me, giddily playing matchmaker and RUINING MY LIFE ! She dragged me the remaining six feet over to Luke. "Luke ! You remember Jane ! Y'all were neighbors ! Luke's going to be Zara's dandy, isn't that great ! ? Oh ! Let me introduce you ! Luke, Zara, Zara, Luke."

Luke and Zara politely shook hands.

"Nice to meet you, " said Luke.

"It's nice of you to come out, " responded Zara.

Mallory turned back to me. "Since Zara doesn't know anyone in town, I suggested we recruit him, aren't you thrilled ?" Mallory beamed with pride at the result of her little scheme. "But Luke and Jane, y'all haven't seen each other in ages ! You've got catching up to do ! Talk ! Talk !" she ordered. Then she ran off, dragging Zara with her, leaving Luke and me completely and utterly alone.

Now, as we all know, I usually have something to say about anything and everything, under any circumstances. But in this case, I was at a loss. A complete and total loss.

Luke wasn't. He twisted the cap off a bottle of water and downed a swig. "Oh yeah. Heard you were in town."

Hmmm. This was so not turning out to be my fantasy first encounter. "Yep ! Here I am."

"Cool, " he said. Not cool. Ice cold. That's how he was playing it.

I cloaked myself in nonchalance. "I heard y'all are living out by the golf club these days."

"For about four years now." Luke gulped down the rest of his water and looked beyond me. "Hey, Lancer ! What are you doing with that shovel, man ? This isn't a sand castle-building contest !" And he was out of there.

Alrighty then.

Luckily, a sudden flurry of activity masked Luke's tremendous diss and gave me a chance to try to regather my wits. Officers Meeks and Detroit from the Alabama Bay Watch showed up in a sleek, white truck, ready to dispense the rules of the game. Then JoeJoe's monster truck got a lot of attention when it rolled into the lot. Brandi Lyn rushed over to him and immediately and enthusiastically introduced him to the whole crowd. They were polite, don't get me wrong, but after a few exchanges of "Hey, so you work at EZ Lube" and "I sure do, " the conversation shriveled into a painful silence and the Old Bienvillites went back to their exclusive conversations about so-and-so's upcoming kegger.

Teddy Mac made his grand entrance, fashionably late in a totally beat-up old Saab and wearing a formerly bright green polo shirt and khakis that had seen better days, oh, about five years ago. What I love about the truly rich is that they don't give a toot about showing their money. They don't need to. Teddy worked the crowd with handshakes and hellos, then slinked up to me and glared. "When I agreed to be your dandy, Jane, this was not exactly what I signed up for. Tell me there's some glamour in my future, please ? Pretty please ?"

"Don't worry, darling, I'm sure there's a ball or two in your future."

"I'm certain there's a ball or two in my future !" he whispered in my ear, making me laugh out loud. Thank God for Teddy Mac. He was like my own personal Advil, taking the pain out of the giant headache this day was turning out to be.

Mr. Walter called us together, and Officer Meeks, the delegate from the Alabama Bay Watch, began his speech. "Okay, folks, let's gather round ! We're gonna get started here ! As y'all know, oil has not hit our part of the coastal region yet, but it can and probably will within the next few days. So, in anticipation of that future cleanup, we're starting with a pre-cleanup."

Ashley batted her eyelashes at James. "I still think it would be a lot easier if we just hired a maid."

James shrugged. "I thought all y'all were the maids. The Magnolia Maids."

"Ah-ha-ha."

"It's a lot easier to remove tar balls and tar patties later if the shore is cleared of debris first, " Officer Meeks continued.

Andrew Lancer snickered. "He said tar balls.'"

OMG, what dandy academy did these yahoos graduate from ? These guys were sooooo seventh grade. At least Teddy Mac whispered his ridiculous remarks in my ear.

Mallory giggled and play-slapped her boy-toy on the arm. "Lancer !"

"He said patties, ' too, " Andrew replied, which made Mallory giggle even more. So it was definitely going to be that kind of day.

Officer Meeks continued over the ruckus. "What I want y'all to do is to take these bags and collect anything that is not natural to the beach environment. Cups, plates, beer cans, bottles, toys, beach gear. You'll be surprised what washes up onshore."

Ashley raised her hand. "Excuse me, this sounds a little dirty. And unsafe."

"Yes, it does. Thank you for making that point, " he responded. "Definitely this is dirty work, I can't help that. But we want everyone to take safety precautions. I want gloves and sunhats on everyone." He opened up a cardboard box full of wide-brimmed hats, the kind with the sunflap on the back - quel fashion choice ! - and industrial work gloves. "Also, people. Believe it or not, one of the biggest safety risks today will be our hot Alabama sun. It will get you faster than a mosquito in August. Put on sunscreen. We'll take breaks every thirty minutes, and I want everyone drinking a lot of water."

As we all clamored for gloves and hats, Officer Detroit continued. "Now, folks, this is very important. If you see anything that happens to look like oil, DO NOT touch it. If you find anything that has a sheen to it, or anything that looks like this" He held up a photo of a ball of black, sticky-looking stuff. "It's a hazardous substance. If you are even the least bit suspicious, call me or Officer Meeks here on over and we'll take care of it. And if you find any wildlife, birds or turtles covered in oil, same thing."

Mr. Walter turned to me. "Jane, how are y'all going to do this ?"

I stepped forward. "So, as everyone knows, we have gotten donations for every twenty feet of beach that we clean up. If you look out in the sand, some of us got here early - thank you, Caroline, Zara, and Brandi Lyn - and put up posts that mark every twenty-foot segment. So I'm thinking every Maid should take a segment with her dandy and get cleaning. Then move on to the next available one when you are done."

Teddy Mac raised his hand. "Where should we start ?"

"Uhhh on the gulf side ? Since that will likely be hit first ? Is that okay with you, Officer Meeks ?"

"Makes sense. You can work your way into the bay."

But Andrew Lancer had another idea. "Or we could have more fun with it." He spread his arms wide and gestured at the far ends of the beach. "Why not have half the group start on one end and the other half start on the other, and we race to the middle ?"

"Ooh, that sounds fun !" Mallory chirped.

Officer Meeks frowned. "I don't know about racing. Could increase the chance of heatstroke and injury."

"I concur, " chimed in Mr. Walter. "We don't want any injuries, okay."

Luke kicked at the sand, avoiding looking in my direction. "It sure would make the time go faster."

Everyone looked so bummed. And he was right. Why not try to have some fun while doing this truth-be-told odious task ? "I agree, " I said. "What if we set some ground rules ? No running. Everyone has to take scheduled breaks ?" I beseeched Mr. Walter with a glance.

Mr. Walter looked at Officer Meeks. "This certainly is an enthusiastic crowd. What do you think, Dale ?"

Officer Meeks gave in. "All right. No running, no sprinting, no jumping. Mandatory ten-minute breaks every half hour. Deal ?"

"Deal !" we all screamed.

I turned to the crowd. "We need team captains !"

Andrew Lancer raised his hand. "Me versus Luke."

"I'm on Lancer's team !" shouted Ashley.

"Me too, " screamed Mallory.

"No, no, no." I put one hand on my hip. "Nice try, Lancer, but last I checked, you aren't a Magnolia Maid. Girls ? It's got to be two of us."

Lancer stepped back. "Just trying to help."

Ashley raised her hand high. "Me !"

"And you, Jane, " said Brandi Lyn, "since you organized the whole thing."

"Okay, I'll accept that challenge."

Ashley scanned the crowd. "I get Mallory."

"Brandi Lyn !" I motioned for Brandi Lyn and JoeJoe to join me and Teddy Mac.

"Caroline." Oh, well that was good. Not being picked last had to be good for Caroline's self-esteem. But that meant that Zara was on my side. Which I would normally be over the moon about, but it also meant that Luke was on my side, which meant uh-oh.

While Lancer, Ashley, James, and crew were high-fiving and congratulating themselves on how awesome their team was, my team had just landed in Awkward-ville. We were all just staring at each other like, gee what do we do now ? What with Zara knowing no one, JoeJoe not being part of the crowd, me and Luke avoiding each other like the plague what a perfect day it was going to be.

Lancer held up his hand to get everyone's attention as he outlined the stakes of the race. "First team to the middle marker gets What do they get ?"

"Pizza bought by the other team at Picklefish, " Luke interjected.

"You're on !"

Then we all took off running despite Officer Meeks's warning.

When my team arrived at the end of the beach along the gulf, we all slowed down and surveyed the scene. It was nasty. Trash everywhere. "This must have been brought up by the storm the other night ?" guessed Brandi Lyn.

"Might as well get started, " I said. "Come on, everybody. To your stations."

Each pair took a segment of beach and we were off. Once we got down to business, I had to admit that I wasn't really into it. Picking up trash is mindless but really not that much fun. Plus, I was so weirded out by Luke being there (not to mention his lackluster hello) that I couldn't even focus. Darn it, couldn't Mallory have given me a little heads-up ? This whole thing was so wrong. Luke was making polite chitchat with Zara, but I could tell he was studiously avoiding me. You would have thought I killed his favorite dog. Where was that sweet boy I used to know on Magnolia Street ?

A few days after Cecilia died, Cosmo sat me down at the house on Bird River and broke my heart. "Jane. My darling. You know I need to travel a lot on business."

"Yes, Daddy."

"I can't leave you here by yourself. So your grandmother and I have talked and you are going to go live with her now."

"At the house on Magnolia Street ?"

"At the house on Magnolia Street."

I just sat there a moment. He was leaving ? Without me ? "But Daddy, I want to go with you."

"I want you with me, too, agapemenee mu, but I'm on business all the time. I live in hotels and airplanes. Those are terrible places for a little girl."

"Why can't you do your business here ? Can't people come meet you here ?"

"Honey, we're so far away. Bienville is at the end of the world as far as these people are concerned. And our company is growing, Jane. It's very exciting. I need to be on the move."

I threw my arms around him and hugged him tight. "I won't be a bother. You can have your meetings and I'll sit in the corner and do my homework !"

"And where will you go to school ? There's no school on the airplane."

"We'll find a tutor. Please, Daddy." I sniffled.

He sighed. "We'll have visits. You'll come visit me in Greece, see your grandparents. Or in London. We'll get you a passport and you can fly all by yourself like a grown-up young lady. That would be very exciting, right ?"

I nodded, but really the answer was a big fat no. Owning a passport and traveling on an airplane by myself didn't sound nearly as good as having my daddy with me. But what choice did I have ?

"Just promise me I won't lose you, too, Daddy, please."

Funny thing is, when I think about the expression on his face now, I swear it was like his heart was breaking, too. He swept me into his arms. "I promise, agapemenee mu. I promise."

He sold the house, moved me to 505 Magnolia Street, left town. Grandmother fixed up one of the formal bedrooms for me on the second floor, making it kid-friendly with flowing curtains and cheery yellow walls and a four-poster bed with a canopy fit for a princess. In the sitting room, we set up a play area complete with a bright-colored rug, shelves filled with board games and books and puzzles. I did a lot of puzzles.

We built a life together, Grandmother and I. My whole routine changed. Walking to school with Grandmother in the morning instead of being driven from the river house by Henry. Getting picked up again in the afternoon by Grandmother, who claimed she just loved all the exercise she was getting now that I lived with her. Going home to play with Luke rather than reading to Cecilia. That's something I had done a lot at the end, when she couldn't turn pages or talk anymore. A Wrinkle in Time, all the Harry Potters and Lemony Snickets, The Boxcar Children, we loved those. Funny to look at it now, all those are stories about orphans of some sort, which is essentially what I became. I wonder how Cecilia felt, hearing me read those books and knowing that she soon would be leaving me motherless ?

Early mornings with Grandmother, late afternoons with Luke. Those were my favorite times of day. School, however, sucked.

After Cecilia died, no one would talk to me. All the girls in my grade just ignored me, including Alexandra Maxim and Maria McBride, the ones I had been closest to. They didn't pick me for their kickball team. They didn't invite me to join them in the cafeteria, only made small attempts at polite conversation. It was like I suddenly had some contagious disease that they would all catch if they were nice to me. Grandmother tried to explain that it wasn't my fault. They felt uncomfortable about my mother passing away and they didn't know what to say to me, didn't know how to handle me. "Give it some time. They'll get over it, " she said.

In the meantime, it was a pretty lonely experience. I couldn't wait to get home to Luke. Each day after snack, I would sit reading in the window seat of the music room, one eye trained on his driveway, expectantly waiting for Mrs. Churchville's SUV to pull in, home from picking up Luke at the private boys' school across town. He would burst out of the car and over to my house always ready with a plan. "Let's build a tree house !" "Wanna go over to Le Moyne Park and play catch ?!" "Hey, Jane ! My dad just got me Grand Theft Auto ! You ready to lose, sucker ?" Each afternoon, Luke swept into my lonely existence like a tidal wave of fun. We raced, ran, chased, played through every corner of every yard in our block on Magnolia Street. We were best friends. He didn't treat me like I was a pariah. He was always there. Always. Afternoons with Luke made me feel like a normal human being. Every once in a while, if suddenly I looked a little sad, he would say, "What's wrong, Jane ? Everything okay, Janie ? Want a Coke ? Want a hug ?" and he'd give me a Coke or a hug or a noogie and say, "All right, ditch the tears, Janie. Time to ride bikes !"

Luke Churchville was unbelievably sweet to me when nobody else was.

I couldn't imagine where that Luke had gone.

By eleven in the morning, we had made some progress with our trash duty, but it was slow going because the beach was so wide. And we were starting to realize that Officer Meeks had been right about the dangers of cleanup duty - it was hot, sweaty, grueling work. The humidity had kicked in big-time, so during the next mandated break, my team and I waded - shorts and T-shirts and all - into the shallow waters of the gulf. We all figured that since the oil had not hit shore yet, we might as well enjoy the water while we still had the chance !

"Hate to say it, but this cleanup kinda sucks, " someone said.

"Yeah, " someone else replied.

"Are we ever going to finish ?"

"I think the longer we work, the longer the beach gets."

Then silence. That was the way it had been most of the morning. Each pair did some chatting on their own, but there had not been much interaction. We were a bit of a mismatched group. Or you could just say we didn't know one another.

JoeJoe broke the tension, pointing to the next section we needed to clean. "Beer cans, beer cans everywhere and not a drop to drink."

Luke grinned. "Nice one."

Dear Lord. That grin. Did it have to be so adorable ?

Teddy Mac gestured at the other end of the beach, where Team Ashley was taking their break. "Hey, why are they having more fun than we are ?"

It was true - Ashley's team seemed to be having the time of their lives. Even from a distance, it was obvious that she had lost her bad attitude, what with the boys being there and all. Although to be honest it looked like she was getting her boyfriend, James, to do most of the work for her. "Oh, James, could you pick up this bucket and move it for me ? It's too heavy." "Eww ! That is so disgusting ! James, will you come get this ?" James played the chivalrous gentleman at every juncture and did Ashley's bidding without an iota of complaint. He must really love her, I thought. Meanwhile, on more than one occasion I saw Lancer swing Mallory up on his shoulders, he-man style, then run into the water with her. At that moment, Caroline and her cousin Jules competed to see who could run farthest into the bay before they fell into the water.

"Ahh, the in-crowd, " I said. "Always knows how to turn any situation into a party."

"So, Jane, if they're Team In-Crowd, what are we ?" Zara asked. "Don't we need a team name ?"

"How about the Outcasts ?"

"The Unwanted."

"The Throwaways."

"The Redheaded Stepchildren, " JoeJoe added. And with that we all laughed.

"Clearly, we have a winner, " I announced. "We are the official Redheaded Stepchildren, even though not a one of us has red hair."

That turned the tables on the day in a big way. Suddenly, everything became a game for Team Redheaded Stepchildren. When JoeJoe found a lone Air Nike, Luke took a picture with his iPhone and put it up on his Facebook page asking if anyone had seen the other one. We entertained ourselves by posting more pictures of gross and lost things on our Facebook accounts. A disgusting bag of King Chicken leftovers now covered in maggots. Ewww. A deflated basketball. Some poor baby's dirty cloth diaper. Ewww, ewww, ewww. Our howls of laughter drew the attention of Lancer. He barreled on over. "What's going on ? Too much laughing, not enough working."

Zara showed him a picture she was putting up on Facebook for her friends back in DC to see. It was of a handmade dollhouse she and Luke found settled amongst the beach grass. Colorfully painted like a Victorian house on the outside and covered with tattered wallpaper on the inside, it was completely devoid of furniture and dolls. Kind of sad, really.

To my surprise, Lancer was actually affected. "Some poor little girl is missing her house, isn't she ?" He yelled over to his crowd, "Guys, let's get some chatter going !"

Within about twenty minutes, everyone was posting. Mallory had set up a Twitter account called "Magnoliariffic" and started tweeting about how much we had already cleaned and how much more we had to go. We were all getting comments and feedback and postings - a lot of support - which gave me an idea.

"Hey, everybody, " I called out. "Gather round ! Let's make our posts work for us. Write something like there's still time to help.' That people can come on down and donate or put on some gloves and get to work."

Ashley's eyes lit up. "More hands on deck ? Love it !"

I gasped. "Ashley, did you just agree with me ?"

"Yes, but word to the wise. Don't get used to it."

Everyone got busy on their smart phones and within half an hour, no lie, we had a CROWD ! Brandi Lyn and JoeJoe's friends lived nearby and used the beach all the time, so they were the first to show up. Then more friends and friends of friends drove down from town, and suddenly there were tons of people out grabbing gloves and bags and joining in. The power of social networking, I thought. We might be able to finish this endless project after all. A few folks asked if they could give us some more money, so JoeJoe cleaned out a plastic toy bucket somebody had salvaged and Brandi Lyn made a sign that read, DONATIONS HERE. It started filling up with dollar bills and change, and Zara's friends up north started pledging to send some cash our way. I was a wee bit surprised to see Katherine and Courtney show up, even if they had dropped their lawsuits against the Magnolia Maid Organization, but they kind of just ignored Team Redheaded Stepchildren - typical ! - and joined Team In-Crowd for the pickup. Our fund-raiser was turning into a big ole B'ville social event, so obviously they needed to make an appearance.

Total news flash ! And this time I mean that literally ! The local news actually came to interview us. Midway through the day, the Local News 7 van pulled into the parking lot, and reporter Maven Rice started interviewing various bystanders. Lots of folks talked about what a great thing we were doing for the city. Then Mr. Walter dragged Ashley and me toward Maven. "It is your duty as team captains to give her the story, okay."

Maven stuck the microphone in my face. "Ms. Fontaine Ventouras, how did you come up with the idea of a beach cleanup as a fund-raiser ?"

For the second time that day I blanked. What was happening to me ? "Well, " I floundered. "We really, thought, we wanted to help our community and um, this seemed like a good idea."

Ashley, however, transformed herself into a passionate public relations expert. "Well, Maven, I think the question is, how could we not do this type of fund-raiser ? As Magnolia Maids, we are Bienville, and Bienville is its natural resources. Our resources are threatened so we have to defend them." My jaw dropped. Go, Ashley ! "And we are so grateful to everyone who has turned out today and supported our cause. You all have been wonderful." She waved to all our fans off camera, eliciting a giant cheer. Damn, she was good when she wasn't being all angry and vindictive.

Maven nodded. "On another note, I understand that you girls have yet to elect a queen ?"

Ashley and I exchanged glances. "That's true, " I said.

"That's very unusual for this stage of the Magnolia Maids process, is it not ? Tell me, what is the holdup ?"

Ashley and I didn't even look at each other this time. What in the world were we going to say ? "Well, " she started.

Miraculously, I found my sea legs and finished her sentence. "There's no holdup here, Maven. What's happening is that this year's Court is a very diverse Court. Unlike previous years. We are from different parts of town, different schools. Two of us have just recently moved back to the area. So we are taking our time to get to know each other before we select a queen."

Wow. That fine excuse burst out of my mouth like a cannonball at the circus. I hesitated to even look in Ashley's direction in the event she was balking at my answer. To my immense surprise, she was nodding right along with everything I said, even adding to it. "We just want to make the right decision, " she said. "We need the best leader possible to guide us through all the appearances and events in the year to come."

Maven beamed at us. "Well, so far, it looks like you're doing a great job as a team. Good luck, Maids." She looked back into the camera. "I'm Maven Rice for Local News 7. Back to you, Chuck."

As soon as the reporters left, Mr. Walter came over and swept both me and Ashley into a giant hug. "Good job, Maids. Couldn't have asked for more, okay. Keep up the mighty fine work."

After he walked away, I turned to Ashley. "Don't take this wrong, Ashley, but you were great."

"Don't take this wrong, Jane, but so were you." We grinned at each other for a split second. "But we're still going to kick your butts." She ran back to her team and rallied them to get cleaning again.

I headed back to mine and we pushed through the last hundred yards toward the finish line. Surprisingly, I was starting to feel pretty good about the day, considering.

Until Teddy Mac hissed at me in the way that only Teddy Mac can. "What is going on here ?"

"What do you mean ?"

"You and Luke Churchville. Have not said word one to each other since he arrived. Did you think I wouldn't notice ?"

"It's nothing."

"In some alternate universe, maybe. If I recall correctly, you and he were BFFs once upon a time. True dat or true dat ?"

"True dat. But I don't think he wants to talk to me anymore."

"Then you are clearly blind as a bat. If he looks over here one more time, I'm having him arrested for eye-stalking."

"Oh, shut up."

"No, you shut up. No, don't. Go talk to him."

"I am fine just where I am."

I bent over to pick up a dead inner tube. I could feel Teddy Mac staring at me. "Well, I am bored to tears talking to you, " he finally said. "I feel the need for a little change." Teddy Mac beelined for the section of beach that Zara and Luke were currently working on. "Zara, baby !"

"Oh come on, Teddy Mac !" I called after him, desperate.

He completely ignored me, that jerk, and bounded right up to Zara. "I have not had the opportunity to truly make your acquaintance. Let's switch partners and dish like schoolgirls, why don't we ? Luke, you're okay to work with Jane for a while, aren't you ?"

And before anyone could say no, Teddy Mac had reconfigured the whole scenario so that Luke and I were alone together at Bienville Point, the part of the beach where the shoreline meanders north and turns a corner. Here the gulf turns into the bay, and the terrain changes dramatically. The sandy beach narrows down to a quarter of its size. There are more trees. Beach grasses. Marshy areas. Small inlets with cattails and other water grasses where birds frolic and turtles play. It's beautiful.

Luke and I walked along in silence. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer. "So what have you been up to ?"

"What have I been up to ? Let me see. Interesting question. Since when ? Since the last time I saw you five years ago ? Or the other day when I saw you at church ?"

Well, that took care of that question. I guess he did see me that day, after all.

"Let's try the last five years."

"Okay. I ate my Wheaties on a regular basis and grew about fifteen inches, put on the corresponding weight. Still at OMS, going to be a senior this year. My grades are pretty decent. Probably applying to Alabama, Vanderbilt, maybe Tulane. Captain of the soccer team. President of the French club. Started a band with Lancer and a couple of guys. Our influences are the Smiths, the Cure, Dead Can Dance, the Allman Brothers, the Eagles, Jack Johnson, and Metallica. There. Happy ?"

No. Not at all. The rsum listing actually managed to sound pretty ugly. Not so charming. What was I supposed to say to that ? Here's what I did say : "What's that noise ?"

"Yeah, that's what people usually say about the band, but we think it works."

"That's not what I meant. There's a weird sound. Over there."

Luke cocked his head to one side and we both listened. There was a thwacking sound, a wet thump, thump, thwack coming from the marshy inlet a few yards ahead of us. "An alligator ?" he suggested.

"Sounds more like fluttering ?"

We made for the inlet, parted the marsh grasses, and found the source of the sound. And I'll tell you, it took my breath away. Immediately. There before us, perched on - no, in - the water, flapping its wings in a valiant attempt to get airborne, was a bird. An oil-soaked, blackened, incapacitated bird, who could not fly because its wings were covered, DRIPPING with oil.

"That's a brown pelican, " said Luke.

"He must have been diving near the spill, " I replied. "He has so much oil on him !"

The pelican strained to extend his broad brown wings again and feebly flapped them but to no avail. He was sinking deeper.

"Oh my God, he's going to drown, " Luke said.

"We have to save him !" I cried.

Without missing a beat, Luke and I launched into emergency mode.

"I'll call Officer Meeks !"

"I'll try to grab him !"

I sprinted over to our other teammates and yelled, "Teddy Mac ! Run and get Officer Meeks ! Tell him to come quick ! We found a bird !"

"A Bird ? OMG !" Teddy Mac took off running back toward headquarters, and I careened back to the marsh to find that Luke had waded into the water and was trying to pick up the bird with his hands. It was so not working.

"Luke, we're not supposed to touch them !" The pelican lunged at Luke with his long, formidable beak. "And you're making him more anxious !"

"But he's going to drown !" It certainly looked that way. The poor thing could barely keep itself afloat.

"I know, but there's got to be a better way." I scanned the area. "How about that ?" I pointed at a plank on the small bluff above the marsh. It was about one foot wide and ten feet long, probably something that had come off somebody's fishing shack or pier during one of last year's hurricanes. "Maybe we try to get it underneath him and get him to walk onto it ?"

"Good idea." Together we dragged the board over and floated it out into the water. That was the easy part. The hard part was trying to maneuver it underwater and under the bird. We had no control from ten feet away and the resistance created by the water made it almost impossible to lever the board with any sort of direction or power.

"We need more traction, " I said.

Luke waded slowly back into the water, careful not to upset the bird. He stopped at about the middle of the plank, and from there guided it under the bird's feet. "Come on, boy, we have a little life raft for you here. Hop on, " he said.

I held fast to my end of the plank, trying not to let it make any sudden motions or splashes. "Just find your feet, Peli, just put your feet down."

"You don't have to struggle so much."

"We're here. We got you."

Luke and I both held our breath and then, miraculously, the pelican felt the board under its feet. Stopped flapping. Took a few heavy steps forward before taking a well-deserved rest. We sighed in relief. Without saying a word, Luke and I worked together to draw the plank onto the sand. When the bird-end of the board made it to land, Luke and I gently laid it to rest and stared at the oil-soaked creature.

"Ack !" it cried, glaring plaintively at us.

"Ack is right, " I said back. I had to turn away from the sight. This helpless, unlucky animal. The victim of such unjust circumstances far beyond its control. It killed me.

Luke shook his head in anger. "This makes me so mad. It's just not right, Jane. It's just not right."

I was about to reply, but then Teddy Mac showed up with Officer Meeks, who was carrying a cage. Right behind him came everybody else : Team In-Crowd, Team Redheaded Stepchildren, our Facebook and Twitter recruits. We quickly explained what happened, then Luke stalked off, obviously furious.

I wanted to ask him what exactly wasn't right : the bird, the oil, or me ?

Chapter Thirteen

"Wait, y'all, there it is !"

"It's on, everybody !"

"Y'all, come watch this !"

It was a few hours and a few beers later, and the fund-raiser had morphed into a party and relocated to Lancer's family's bay house. We all rushed to gather round the TV in the family room to watch CNN and see Luke talk about rescuing the bird.

"Woo-hoo ! Looking good on the TV, Church-Vegas !"

"Check it out ! Reverend Luke on the national news !"

The rest of the day had turned out to be crazy and not just because Luke totally walked away from me after what I thought was a pretty intense bonding experience. As Mallory repeated every time she opened her mouth, it was a day that would go down in Magnolia Maid history. After Officer Meeks contained the pelican in the cage and took it off to the Bird Sanctuary for cleanup, we all returned to the task at hand, finishing garbage patrol.

Both teams were pretty much neck and neck, and by the time each group got to their last segment, the situation was hectic. Everybody rushed around and ran into each other trying to get every last piece of trash so that we could race for the finish line. Teddy Mac and I fought to pick up the same Coke can. Zara and Luke and Brandi Lyn and JoeJoe went bonkers on a stack of paper plates someone had just dropped there.

"Get it ! Get it !"

We thought we were done when someone yelled, "There's one more plastic bag !"

"Where ?"

"Over there !"

Luke grabbed it and we took off for the midpoint where Mr. Walter had set up shop so that he could be the judge. At that same moment, Ashley and her team were running for it. Racing, running, pummeling. It was so, so close.

"Slide !" cried Luke.

We dove into the sand, headfirst toward the finish line

and beat Team In-Crowd by an inch !

The Redheaded Stepchildren went wild.

So did Mr. Walter. After we counted up all the pre-event donations we got from individuals and corporations, the cash in the beach bucket, and the pledges that came through Twitter and Facebook, the final tally on the donations was well over fifteen thousand dollars. It was more than any Court had ever raised in a single day in the history of the organization ! We had made enough to donate a big portion of our funds to the Alabama Bay Watch to assist with further cleanup and pay for travel to the Rose Bowl, to New York, to Disney World for Easter. Plus, we all agreed that it felt good to make a difference. The thing that made Mr. Walter's lid flip with excitement, though, was that we had made the news. And not just the local with Maven Rice. It turned out that a CNN correspondent had been in the area during the bird rescue, and had interviewed us for the story. Since this was the first oil-soaked bird found in Alabama, it was a big deal.

Later, I overheard Mr. Walter call the president of the chamber of commerce and brag. "Billy, we got us some good national PR today, we sure did ! You should a seen these girls out there. Best belles we've ever had !"

To celebrate our massive accomplishments, Lancer had invited everyone over to his parents' unchaperoned bay house. Everybody went, even Brandi Lyn, JoeJoe, and their crowd. Apparently, cleaning the beach together had been a great equalizer. There was one exception - Teddy Mac. He excused himself, claiming Lacey Wilkes had called and begged him to swing by the pharmacy on his way home to pick up her anxiety meds because she was getting a case of the melancholies.

Anyway, we all agreed that instead of making good on the bet with Picklefish Pizza, we would stop at the Piggly Wiggly and stock up on burgers and hot dogs and beer. We had been drinking, eating, and making merry ever since, waiting for the piece to air on CNN.

Now on the television, Officer Meeks was talking about how the brown pelican must have dived into an oil slick that was now only two miles off the Bienville Beach coastline. "It's a real shame, too, " he said. "The brown pelican had just gotten off the endangered list when the spill happened. I'm sure he'll be back on it any day now."

Hearing that dark reality brought the mood crashing down. Saddened, I raised my glass. "To Peli, " I said. "To surviving your cleaning and making it back into the wild."

Bottles and glasses clinked all around me. "To Peli !" "To survival !" "To the wild !"

"Oh, here comes Jane !" Mallory yelled.

I covered my face in mock horror. "Ugh. I hate seeing myself on-screen." We watched as I muddled through an explanation of what the Magnolia Maids were and what we had been doing down there that day.

Ashley sighed. "Don't worry, Jane. You'll get better at speaking in public. Maybe you should take some classes." The funny thing is, I think she was actually being sincere for a change.

As soon as the newscast was over, Mallory leapt to her feet. "Y'all, we haven't been Maids for a month and we're already on national TV ! Nobody's ever done that !" Mallory raised her beer bottle. "To the most successful day ever in the history of the Magnolia Maids !"

"Hear, hear !"

"To Alabama's best belles !"

"Bienville's finest !"

Everyone toasted and with that, the party officially kicked into rager gear. Jules whipped out his MacBook and went DJ ninja on the joint, pumping everything from Gnarls Barkley to Franz Ferdinand through the house. Ashley and Mallory organized a beer pong game around the coffee table. Caroline repaired to the loft to read a trashy Danielle Steele novel. Brandi Lyn, jacked up on a billion Diet Cokes, turned out to be quite the dart player and challenged anyone who came within five feet of her to a game. JoeJoe had had himself a couple of beers and joined forces with the Lancer posse to design a MoonPie-eating contest that wasn't just about how many you could eat, but how many could you eat before you puked. Guys are so creative when they're drunk.

Meanwhile, I stuck close to Zara all night and watched the boys flock around her like bees to a flower. They peppered her with a billion questions : Where was she from ? How did she like Bienville ? Had she ever been to Mardi Gras ? She played along, answering their questions between bouts of texting with someone not there.

Normally, I would have been curious about those texts, and it might have looked like I was listening to Bienville boys ask Zara about her football-playing cousins, but really I was lost in thought.

Luke and I trying to save that poor pelican, well, it had felt like old times. Like the time we rescued a bag of kittens that had been tossed in a ditch near the park. Or the time we picked Luke's little sister up off the sidewalk after she took a rough tumble off her bike and landed on some broken glass and needed stitches.

It kind of felt like a bonding experience, a homecoming of sorts, yet here we were back to avoiding each other. Or at least pretending to. In reality, I was watching his every move. Who he was talking to. What he was doing. How many beers he drank (three). I started wondering why exactly Luke seemed so angry with me. I just couldn't figure it out. I mean, it had been five years, and the last time we had seen each other wasn't exactly a good time. So I could understand discomfort, awkwardness. But anger ?

I contemplated this as I sucked down my frozen margarita with a straw, managing not to get freezer head. Then I made my decision. There was only one way to find out. "So help me God."

I didn't realize I had said it out loud until I noticed Zara gave me a strange look.

"Everything okay ?" she asked.

"Yeah, sure, no. Send in reinforcements if I'm not back in ten." I set off for the porch, where I knew Luke was currently playing Ping-Pong with his old friend Henry. I could feel Zara's concerned eyes follow me every inch of the way.

Out on the porch, the Henry/Luke Ping-Pong match was in full swing. I sidled up to the table and spooked Luke in the middle of a volley.

"Jesus, Jane ! What is up with you ?"

I raced Henry to the ball, grabbing it before he could. "Beat it. Luke and I need to talk."

Henry glanced at Luke; Luke nodded. "Catch you later."

The second Henry was gone, I whirled on Luke. "So you knew I was in town, but you didn't think about swinging by the house ?"

"And say what ? How come you never returned any of my phone calls ?"

"For starters."

"That's all water under the bridge, Jane. History."

"Oh, really ? Then what was that stalker drive-by last week ?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You, your daddy's Mercedes, cruising a whopping negative five miles per hour down my street as you stared up at my bedroom ?"

"Must have been somebody else."

I jerked my head out toward the yard, where his dad's Mercedes was parked. "So someone must have stolen your car then, because, swear on a stack of King James Bibles, I saw it coming down my street."

He sighed. "Fine, Jane, maybe you're right. I did drive by, and I probably will again because it's on the way to places I go." He thought for a minute. "And, for your information, it just so happens that I dropped something in the floorboard. I had to slow down to pick it up."

"What ?"

"What did you drop ?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "My iPod."

"Your iPod ?"

"And, anyway, what's up with coming to my church ?"

"It was a Magnolia Maid thing, " I lied.

We stood glaring at each other eye to eye, except we weren't exactly. When last we had stood face-to-face, we were the same height. Now, here he was, towering a foot above me. And flaring his nostrils.

"I just don't understand, " I said. "Why are you mad ?"

"I'm not mad about anything."

"Yes you are. Why ?"

He looked out to sea. Thought for a second. Finally turned back to me. "Okay. Here goes. After that day, after your father went ballistic, I felt so bad about your getting in trouble. I tried to get in touch with you. Your father, your grandmother, they made it real clear that you didn't want to see me anymore. You would rather go to boarding school than talk to me, and every holiday you were back in town you were too busy' to see me. So now you're back for good and you want to act like everything's normal and no problemo here ? Sorry. No can do."

While Luke was talking, my jaw got closer and closer to the floor. "Wait, what ? No ! They said I didn't want to see you ? That's not how it happened."

"Yeah, right ! If that's not how it happened, then why didn't you ever e-mail me ? Why didn't you call ?" He lowered his voice. "Why didn't you come to the door when I came over and cried on your grandmother's doorstep ?"

It's true. He had once cried on Grandmother's doorstep while I silently watched from the staircase. Remembering that nearly killed me. "Luke, please, you've got to believe me, I"

Before I could get out my side of the story, though, Luke's glance moved beyond my shoulder and his eyes lit up. "Hey, babe, it's about time you got here." I turned to see a girl step onto the porch, a tall, skinny brunette with long hair and Bambi eyes. Luke breezed by me to plant a kiss on her lips, and I realized that this was one Luke fantasy that had never even occurred to me : ex-beau has new love. Makes out with her in front of you.

Oh, the horror.

I don't know how long I had to endure that moist, succulent sucking going on right before my very eyes before Mallory and Ashley stumbled onto the porch, their arms wrapped drunkenly around each other.

"Hey-ey !" Ashley said. "Mallory's looking for Katherine and I'm looking for Jimmy. Y'all seen them ?"

Never in the history of the universe had a distraction been so welcome. "Nope. Not lately."

Mallory's vision cleared enough to notice Luke and his girl. "Hey, Luke. Hey, Posey. Y'all seen Jimmy or Katherine ?"

Luke shrugged nonchalantly, but I tell you what, there was something odd, very odd about the way he responded. "Maybe they went for more beer, " he said.

My weirdness radar kicked on.

"But there's still tons in the fridge !" Mallory exclaimed.

Wait, did I detect something strange going on with her, too ?

"I know ! I bet they're on the beach, " Mallory decided.

Ashley rolled her eyes. "Now why would they be on the beach ?"

Luke jumped on her bandwagon. "Yeah, why would they be on the beach ? The party's going on up here !"

"I don't know, silly, but let's go check !" Mallory tossed open the screen door and half carried Ashley down the stairs.

And that's when a, shall we say, worried expression settled on Luke's face. He whipped out his phone and sent a text.

I lit myself a cigarette and played it supercool. "Look, Luke, I realize there's all this awkwardness surrounding a thing that happened, ohhhhh, five years ago, but suck it up and tell me what's going on here."

"Maybe they got lost, " offered Posey. "Oh, I remember you ! You're Jane ! The one who's mother"

I blew a smoke ring in her face that sent her coughing and scurrying inside for a glass of water. "Nice to see you, Posey, " I called after her.

Luke snapped his phone shut and grabbed a Ping-Pong paddle. "I don't know what you're talking about. Wanna play ?"

I arched an eyebrow at Luke and said nothing, which by the way, is a very powerful tool for getting someone's attention. Most human beings do not like silence, and they work to fill it, which is exactly what Luke did after a few moments of silent acting like nothing is going on.

"You shouldn't smoke, " Luke said.

"I also shouldn't talk to strangers, but that doesn't stop me. So. Jim, Katherine, subject at hand ?"

He motioned for me to follow him around the side of the house to another porch, which I did. "They took a walk on the beach, " he whispered.

My radar was confirmed. Ashley's beloved Jimmy had gone for a "walk on the beach" with her darling BFF Katherine. Everyone knew what that meant.

"How long ?"

"About an hour or so."

"No, I mean how long have they been uh, seeing each other ?"

"I'd say at least three weeks."

So that's what Mallory had been talking about during our "fun with makeup" mystery conversation. It was Ashley who was being cheated on. "Oh no. Ashley loves that guy, " I said.

Luke nodded. "I can't believe he's such an idiot to sneak off with Katherine when she's here."

I shot him a look.

"Or anytime. He should just break up with her if he's not happy."

"And with one of her BFFs, too. So not right." Granted there was no - and I mean zero - love lost between me and Bienvillite Supreme Mary Ashley LaFleur. But she didn't deserve this. I felt bad - about to throw up, food poisoning, vomit bad. What kind of friend was Katherine to do that to Ashley ? I knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. To have someone hurt you. To have your worldview turned upside down and peed on. And I knew that if Ashley found Jim and Kat together, acting all lovey-dovey, it would crush her. I didn't want to see it, and frankly, no one deserved that sort of public smack-down.

Ashley simply had to get out of there.

"Thanks, Luke, " I said, and quickly headed down the stairs to get the wheels of exit in motion. I didn't have a plan, didn't even know how I could enact a plan, but I was on a mission. I headed toward the beach and found Ashley and Mallory stumbling down the boardwalk toward the bay. "Hey, y'all, what's going on ? I'm thinking we need to get this party dancing ! Jules is rocking it, have you heard ?"

"I'm too tired, " said Ashley. "And a little sunburned."

"And a little tipsy, " Mallory added. "We just want to find Jimmy and go home."

"Oh, who cares about him ? Let's dance. Seriously. Let's have a Magnolia Maid celebratory dance !" I managed to insert myself between Mallory and Ashley and maneuver them back in the direction of the house.

But it was too late.

Twinkling giggles and a low laugh floated up from the beach.

At the end of the boardwalk emerged the very image I had tried to prevent Ashley from seeing : Katherine, hair a mess, lipstick smeared, and James, button-down shirt distinctly mis-buttoned, their arms around each other.

"Katherine ? Jimmy ? What What's ?" Ashley's voice faltered.

Katherine and Jimmy froze.

You know that look on the gazelle's face on those Discovery Channel documentaries when it's just noticed that there's a cheetah on the scene ? That was the look on Katherine's face. "Oh my God, Ashley. I thought you were playing quarters. But you're not, are you ?" Her sentence turned up in a question mark of desperation.

James at least had the decency to appear ashamed. "Ashley, look."

Oh, this was going to be painful.

Even under the influence of a six-pack, Ashley quickly put the puzzle pieces together. "Y'all are fooling around behind my back, aren't you ?"

James and Katherine stepped away from each other and stuttered out some pathetic attempts at explanations. "Well"

"You see"

Ashley glanced at Mallory. "Did you know about this ?"

"Me ?" Mallory fluttered. "No ! It's terrible. I'm as shocked as you are !"

Then we heard barks of laughter. From the back porch. That's right. Lancer and his drunk bastard friends had somehow gotten wind that a "situation was in progress, " and their drunken selves were lined up along the porch railing watching.

"Ooooh, Jimmy's busted !" cried Jules.

"Jimmy, you man-whore !" shouted Ashley's cousin Henry.

"It's like that song Torn Between Two Lovers !'" shouted Lancer. "You should feel like a fool !"

Oh, great. These guys were spoiling for a show, dying for fuel for tomorrow's gossip mill, and Ashley was about to be it.

"Ashley, " I said. "Let's get out of here. Y'all should talk when you have more privacy. Mallory, go find the other girls and tell them we're leaving." I grabbed Ashley's arm and led her toward the front of the house, which unfortunately required passing the peanut gallery. "Show's over, boys, " I called. "Go eat something and throw it up."

"Aw, Jane, you're no fun, " Lancer called.

"Yep, that's me. No fun Jane.'"

Meanwhile, Katherine was charging after us. "Asssshhhley, wait ! I hate myself, simply hate myself !" Katherine cried. "I'll make it up to you, I will. Just tell me how !"

Ashley whirled on her. "Shut your filthy mouth ! You knew I was here ! You wanted me to see you with him."

"No I didn't ! You're my friend !"

"Was. Were. I was your friend. You were my friend."

"I was going to break it off with him, I swear !"

"That explains the giggles and the hand-holding as you came up the beach." I couldn't help myself. It just slipped out.

Ashley's head bobbed up and down with agreement. "You were wrapped around him like Spanish moss on an oak tree ! Why, Katherine ? What is it, that you're jealous ? You know I did everything I could to get you and Courtney on the Magnolia Court ! It's not my fault what happened."

By this time, Mallory had returned with Zara, Caroline, Brandi Lyn, and JoeJoe. Clearly, she had given them the 411 because JoeJoe brought his fighting words. "Who's done you wrong, darlin' ?" he said to Ashley. "You need me to beat him up ?"

Speaking of the devil, Jimmy chose that moment to make an appearance.

"This the guy ?" JoeJoe sized up Jimmy. "'Cause I can take him easy."

Ashley wiped away her tears. "Well, thank you, JoeJoe. I appreciate it, but I think I'm good."

"You just let me know. Any sister Maid of Brandi Lyn's is a sister Maid of mine."

Brandi Lyn swooned and wrapped her arms around her boy. "Aw, baby, aren't you the sweetest ?"

Meanwhile, Ashley gathered herself together, cocked her chin up in the air, and sniffed. "Katherine, you've put a real dent in my beautiful relationship, and for that I hope you rot in hell." She turned to Jimmy. "As for you, James. I'm very mad right now, but we'll get through this. Call me tomorrow and we'll discuss. Maids, can we go ?"

"Absolutely."

"Let's get out of here." We rallied around Ashley and headed down the driveway. We almost made it to our cars when we heard a voice behind us.

"No !" James stood behind us, holding a fresh can of beer.

Ashley furrowed her brow. "No, what ?"

"No, we don't have a beautiful relationship. No, I'm not calling you tomorrow, Old Mother Ashley."

Ashley blinked. Blinked again. "James, are you making fun of me ?"

"I sure am, Old Mother Ashley. Did you know that's what the guys call you ? Because you're just like my mother, calling me James' when I've been a bad boy. And I have been a bad boy, haven't I, honey ?"

Ashley looked so pained, it was hard to watch. "Jimmy, why are you doing this ?"

"Because I'm sick. I'm sick of the way you call me up and tell me what to wear so I won't clash with your outfit. I'm sick of the way you won't drink Sunny Delight if that's all they have - that you have to have orange juice or your cosmo just doesn't taste right. Ordering me around like a slave all day to pick up your trash. You criticize my driving, make me go to Sunday dinner at your grandmother's. You gossip with my mother ! It's like we're married or something !"

"Well, we will be one day. Won't we ?"

A long, endless pause hung in the air, filled only by the sound of crickets chirping and drunk Old Bienvillites spilling out onto the back porch to watch the rest of the show. James took a look at Ashley. Glanced over his shoulder at his buddies. Eyed Katherine, who now was being consoled in the arms of Courtney. He had an audience. And he was milking it for all it was worth.

He chugged the rest of his beer in one giant swig. "No,

Ashley, we're not going to be married. You and me, we're

over. Call my mother and gossip about that."

Chapter Fourteen

"Song !" we all called out.

Mallory nodded, counted on her fingers, then held up nine of them.

"Nine words !"

She drew a squiggly shape in the air.

"Question mark !"

"A question !"

"A song in the form of a question !"

Mallory clapped enthusiastically and indicated that she was going to act out the second word, which would be one syllable that sounded like she held up two fingers.

"Two."

"Sounds like two."

"Boo, coo, do, e-oo, foo."

"You."

While Mallory jumped with joy that I had gotten the second word right, I didn't even look up from filing my fingernails. It's not that hard to figure out when it's totally obvious that e-oo and foo are in no way shape or form words.

Oh, ho-hum-hummedy-hum-hum-hum. Here it was Tuesday night in B'ville, and I could have been doing an Ugly Betty marathon out at Hawkleigh with Teddy Mac and Lacey Wilkes, but noooooooooo. Instead I, along with all my Magnolia sisters, was being held hostage in the home of Mizz Upton and her lovely daughter Caroline and being forced to play charades at gunpoint.

Okay, that's an exaggeration, we weren't being held at gunpoint. But have you ever seen a good Southern home ? We're big believers in the old right to bear arms, just in case the Yankees ever get it in their minds to invade again. So a lot of us keep weapons around the house : ancient swords and Revolutionary War-era muskets as decoration on the walls, rifles for hunting and pistols "just in case." That was the situation at the Upton house. So we girls could have been held at gunpoint, if Mizz Upton had gotten it into her head that she wanted to do so. Let's just say we were held in the "spirit of gunpoint."

On Monday, after our great success with the fund-raiser, Mizz Upton admitted that we had done well but that we had a serious problem on our hands. She was horrified at all the talk running around town about how we didn't have a queen yet. It was a major issue. Big humiliation. So even though, yes, she was proud of us for raising so much money and getting on local and national news, we needed to shape up and fast. "Maids, we're having an intervention here, " she said. "In my fifteen years of being involved with the Magnolia Maid Organization, it has never been in such a disastrous state mere days in advance of the Boysenthorp debut. You must elect yourselves a queen. You must - and I mean this - learn to work as a team."

I raised my hand. "Mizz Upton, with all due respect, we worked really well as a team on Saturday." Little did she know that it was more than just the fund-raiser. That we had also rallied around Ashley after Jimmy humiliated her with that oh-so-public dumping, that we had gotten her the hell out of Lancer's party as fast as we could, that our designated driver, Brandi Lyn, had driven straight to Ashley's house and we had poured her into bed before she really knew what hit her.

"I couldn't agree more, " said Mallory. In fact, there were nods around the room. Ashley was catatonic, which was only to be expected, but the rest of us were in agreement at least.

"Well, that is good news, but we do still have a deadlock. Personally, I would prefer that Mr. Hill and I go ahead and take care of selecting the queen ourselves, " said Mizz Upton. "But he insists that we follow the bylaws and give you until the day of the debut. So listen to what I've got planned."

A slumber party. She had planned a freaking slumber party. Instead of having our final dress fitting with Miss Dinah Mae at the chamber of commerce where we usually met for rehearsals, we were to report at five o'clock on Wednesday to Mizz Upton's house for a rollicking evening of dress-fitting, fun and games, and female bonding. She put Caroline in charge of coming up with games to play and bonding activities. If we didn't come out of the situation a happier, tighter group who could sort out the queen situation for ourselves, then she would break the tie for us on Saturday, which would be a dreadful first. "This is your last chance, girls, and I do mean last. Be responsible and make a choice."

So we'd had our potluck dinner party for which Mizz Upton required each of us to contribute a homemade dish (Ashley's famous crab casserole, Caroline's cheesy chicken rice casserole, Zara's grandmother's corn and okra casserole, Brandi Lyn's ham hock and green bean casserole, Mallory's broccoli casserole, and my sausage and collard greens casserole). We'd listened to two guest speakers - former queens, a couple of enthusiastic Old Bienvillites named Mary Megan and Haleigh - tell us how magical and mind-blowing our year of Magnolia Maid-ing was going to be. How you should never eat in your dress because last year Julie Danville had to get a whole new bodice after a run-in with the prize-winning chili sauce at the Memphis Barbecue Festival. And how you should never wear your hoopskirt in the car because it might pop open and limit your vision and cause you to crash like what happened with Amber Davis about five years ago.

But nobody, I mean not one of us, was in the mood. I take that back. Mallory was chipper as ever, but the rest of us were in our own little worlds : Ashley was still reeling from the breakup with Jimmy. Zara was more reserved than ever, and she kept glancing over at me and lifting her eyebrows to the top of her head in a show of "Can you believe this crap ?" Caroline, tasked with the job of leading us through our little bonding activities, mustered up as much pep as she could, but she snuck off to read Pirate Romance of the High Seas or some such every chance she got. Even Brandi Lyn's sparkly self seemed to have taken the night off. She kept looking off into the distance and sighing. When I asked her if she was okay, she slapped on a smile, and said, "Oh yes, of course. I've just been putting in a lot of hours at Karl's recently and am so tired, that's all." As for me, I was mourning the death of Luke. Well, the death of any potential relationship/friendship with Luke. Which was pretty obvious after his aggressive make-out session at the party. That guy wanted nothing to do with me.

So we were stuck in Mizz Upton's basement rec room with the blues, and only thirteen hours left to go.

The third word of Mallory's question of a song rhymed with something that vaguely looked like a fish, or at least that was the expression that she put on her face.

With a bored sigh, Ashley rattled through the alphabet, combining letters with "ish." "Bish, cish, dish, eish, fish, gish, hish"

"Wish."

"Yes, yes, yes !" Mallory jumped up and down.

"It's that Pussycat Dolls song, Don't Cha W - '" Ashley guessed.

"That's it, that's it !" Delighted, Mallory broke into the song and a well-choreographed series of "drop it like it's hot" and gyrations. "Come on, Ash, remember ?"

"That is so fourth grade, Mal. Give it a rest."

"Well, it's still hot. I don't care what you say." She was deflated, though, and plopped down onto her sleeping bag. "We could at least try to make this fun, y'all."

"I'm afraid I'm never going to have fun again." Ashley sulked over to the corner.

The doorbell rang. Miss Dinah Mae had arrived.

We trudged up to the living room a bunch of sad sacks, and to my immense surprise, it took all of thirty-seven seconds for that vibe to change. The dresses were here ! The dresses ! Giant pastel-colored antebellum dresses with flounces and ruffles and bodices and corsets. I was a little freaked out by the whole thing, but they were a sight to behold, so much heavy fabric in giant cloth bags the color of our dresses that it took three of Miss Dinah Mae's grandsons to lug it all in. Ashley dropped her catatonic state in a millisecond as she and Mallory grabbed their bags and started yanking out yard after yard of taffeta ruffles. "Careful, Maids !" called Mizz Upton. "Wait till I explain how to put it all on !"

"Oh, don't worry, we know !" Ashley replied, and she and Mallory commenced shimmying into everything that came out of their bags. Mizz Upton teared up with joy at the sight.

Meanwhile, I was pulling enough fabric from my pink bag to make a dozen prom dresses. "What is all this stuff ?" I exclaimed.

Mizz Upton stifled a glare and launched into a lecture on the proper order of Magnolia Maid enrobing : hoopskirt, slip, full skirt, apron, cummerbund. In layman's terms :

1. Put on a corset. Like the kind that Keira Knightley wears in Pirates of the Caribbean (the first and most awesome one) when she faints and plummets into the sea while wearing the gold medallion that raises the Black Pearl and the zombie pirates. Put one on and then stand still while someone else pulls the laces so tight that the stays suck your ribs in and take your breath away.

2. Cover said torture device - I mean corset - with a beautiful frilly bodice and wait for someone else to button all twenty of the mother-of-pearl buttons up the back.

3. Take a hula hoop. You know, one of those unbendable plastic circles that you gyrate around your waist like some reject from a sixties beach blanket show ? The kind with Sally Field in it. She's the mom on Brothers and Sisters ? Well, she used to play a surfer girl named Gidget. Seriously. Gidget. Look it up.

So take a hula hoop. Attach it to a slightly smaller hula hoop with some white muslin. Attach that slightly smaller hula hoop to a slightly smaller than that hula hoop with some muslin, and so on and so on, until one thin hoop rests about six inches beyond your thighs and one spreads out about five feet in diameter around your feet. Lay this contraption on the floor, then step into the center and draw it up to your waist - "The natural waist !" Mizz Upton barked, but she was excited, very excited. "These are not hip-huggers, Maids ! I insist that they sit on your natural waistline."

4. Put on the slip : it's partially a slip, with white organza from waist to knee, but the bottom layer is the colorful lower ruffle of the dress.

5. Shimmy into the full skirt : this consists of the middle layers of ruffles, anywhere from two layers to, I don't know, ten ? Ashley and Mallory went with more the merrier on the ruffle front, which meant they now resembled giant wedding cakes. Me, I just had two.

6. Place your apron over the skirt - no, not an apron for cooking, but the top layer of skirt. It covers the midsection, from waist to upper thigh.

7. Circle your waist with the cummerbund : this is the three-inch-wide sateen belt that hides all four of the waistbands of the various skirts (and the pantaloons, but we didn't even have those yet). Fluff out the giant bow on the back of the cummerbund.

8. Adorn yourself with all the accessories : the parasols that match the dresses, the frilly bonnets that tie in a wide bow under the chin, the dainty lace gauntlets that slip over the hands to protect them from exposure.

9. Then pretend like you can still breathe with all those layers forcing your stomach in. And don't even bother trying to walk !

While Ashley and Mallory were twirling and curtsying as if they had been doing this every day of their lives, I could barely move an inch.

I raised my hand. "Mizz Upton, I'm stuck ! This thing weighs a ton !"

"No, Jane, your dress has only two ruffles, so it weighs only about thirty-five pounds."

Mallory agreed. "Ours are closer to fifty !"

"Lucky you, " I said, and turned back to Mizz Upton. "And they're hot ! If I have a heatstroke, who do I get to sue ?"

Mizz Upton shook her head. "Fortunately, you've signed all sorts of waivers and so has your grandmother."

Mallory glided by. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it. And my cousin Lucinda says the bruises go away. Eventually."

"Bruises ? What bruises ?"

Zara dragged me over to a giant mirror on the wall so that we could check ourselves out. We totally looked like we had stepped out of the 1850s into Tara. It was scary. Zara whispered to me. "Am I a traitor to my race for putting this on ?"

"Probably, " I answered. "But I won't tell anybody."

Meanwhile, Brandi Lyn had pulled on the hoopskirt she made herself and was giggling up a storm. "Oh my, I feel so Scarlett !"

"Scarlett's dead, Brandi, " I called out to her.

"Not in spirit !" she chirped. "Well, hello, Rhett, you devil, you."

"Rhett's dead, too, Brandi Lyn." Brandi Lyn reclined into a seat, and she would have looked quite elegant, too, if the hoopskirt had not popped right out in front of her, revealing everything she had on underneath. Great. You can't even sit down in these things.

"That is NOT how you do it." Mizz Upton loomed over Brandi Lyn, scowling down at her. "And where is the rest of your dress ?"

"Oh, um, I, I'm almost done. It's looking beautiful ! I mean, not as good as what Miss Dinah Mae does, but I'm proud of it !"

"Bring your dress to the next rehearsal. They have to be Magnolia-approved before the debut next week."

"Yes, ma'am." Brandi Lyn nodded vigorously, and Mizz Upton moved on.

Miss Dinah Mae clapped her hands. "All right, you girls hush and line up and let me check you. I'm tired and I want these dresses done so I can go home and watch Dancing with the Stars."

We were all so busy with this final inspection that I don't think anyone noticed at first what happened when Mizz Upton finally walked over to Caroline. All I know is that when I looked up, Mizz Upton had pulled the hoopskirt out of the bag and thrown it on the floor and said, "See what you can do with this." Caroline was eying the thing as if it were a viper on the verge of biting her. Now, y'all, I have to say, I am not good at spatial relationships (just ask any one of the math teachers who has tried to get me to answer a geometry question right) but even I could tell that the circumference of the natural waistline did not match the circumference of the waist it was intended to fit.

Mizz Upton pursed her lips. Tension hovered in the air. It was official : the mood-killer was in the house. "What are you waiting for, honey ?" Now, to most Americans and other speakers of the English language, are is a one-syllable word. In that moment, however, Martha Ellen Upton drew it out into about sixteen syllables, in a way that only the older class of Bienville Prepster Supreme can. So it sounded like this : "ahhhhhhhhh-er." "What ahhhhhhhhh-er you waiting for, honey ?" Had you seen the words on the page, you probably would have thought that she was encouraging her daughter to get a move on. "What are you waiting for ?" would have just meant "Hurry up, honey, we need to get busy."

But Mizz Upton had laced so much ugly through that sentence that it permeated every molecule of air in the room. Mallory halted mid-twirl. Brandi Lyn stopped her sitting practice. Ashley quit admiring herself in the mirror. Zara paused mid-inner conflict, and I ceased bitching about the bruises I'd just learned we'd all get from carrying the weight of the skirts on our hips.

"Try it on, Caroline, " commanded Mizz Upton.

Poor Caroline, she now had a full audience. She stepped one foot into the circle. Then the other. Then she bent over and started drawing the hoopskirt up her body, interminably slowly.

Until it got stuck at her hips. And she couldn't button it.

Ashley stifled a giggle. Mallory looked away politely. Zara and Brandi Lyn and I traded "WTF ?" glances. Miss Dinah Mae clucked her tongue, and Mizz Upton narrowed her eyes. She brought herself up to her full height and said, "Disgraceful."

Caroline, stupid hoopskirt stuck around her waist, shambled out of the room as fast as she could.

"Caroline, it's not your fault your mother's a complete and total bitch !" I yelled through the door separating the rec room from the laundry room. After her mother's horribly humiliating comments, Caroline had run downstairs and locked herself inside. Zara and I ran after her, or at least tried to, but we got hung up at the door with our multilayered hoopskirted dresses. Seriously, we couldn't wedge ourselves through the door in those things ! "You have to bank up, " Mallory called out, instructing us on how to pull the various hoops up and collapse the fabric so that we could walk through the door, but Zara and I were in such a clumsy hurry, we ended up pulling them to our shoulders on one side and scurrying through.

Caroline sobbed through the transom. "Yes it is. She's always telling me, watch my weight, don't eat this, don't eat that."

Zara sighed. "That was just plain mean what she did to you back there."

"I deserved it." Caroline wailed even louder. "I've gained too much weight since Miss Dinah Mae took my measurements !"

"Caroline, I told you to go on a diet, didn't I ?" Ashley glided into the room, properly banking her skirts before she did so. She kicked up the bottom ring of her hoopskirt with her left foot, grabbed it with her left hand, pulled the bottom layers up to her waist, then reached down and did the same thing on the right side. She pulled the hoops in toward her body, which made it look like she was wearing a sky blue kayak around her waist, and sailed gracefully through the door.

Zara and I exchanged glances. "Well, at least somebody knows how to work this thing." I hit Ashley on the arm. "But seriously, Ashley, stop being mean."

Zara glared at her. "If you aren't going to help, just mind your own business."

"I'm not trying to be mean. It's a cold, hard fact. If you eat too much, you can't fit into your skirt."

Then Ashley rooted through her purse, whipped a flask out, and downed a sip. No lie !

Zara and I gaped. "What the hell are you doing ?" I screeched.

"Taking the edge off. It got tense up there."

"Well, give it here." I ripped the flask out of her hands.

I took a swig. Vodka and cranberry juice. Nice.

"Jane !"

"So rude, not offering it to anybody else. Zara ?" I handed the flask to her and she got in on the action.

Brandi Lyn arrived at that moment, still wearing her hoopskirt, making an attempt to bank it properly. "What's that smell ? Ohh ! Are y'all drinking ?"

Ashley offered her the flask. "Want some ?"

To my immense surprise, Brandi Lyn did. She had a big swig and sputtered up a storm. Then she called to Caroline over the transom. "Caroline, I can fix your waistline ! It's not hard. I can put in a small panel. Or I can extend the loops for the buttons with elastic. It'll work !"

"Really ?" Caroline's weak voice came fluttering back.

"Really."

"Come on out, Caroline. Let us help. We can fix this."

"I don't know."

At that moment, Mallory glided in, but she wasn't the sweet, fun-loving puppy dog we all knew and loved. She was raging. "All right. I have had it. This is supposed to be the greatest day of our lives."

Brandi Lyn looked confused. "Isn't that supposed to be our wedding day ?"

Mallory ignored Brandi Lyn. She was on a roll. "I have waited twelve years to wear this dress ! Twelve years to serve our fine city as a Magnolia Maid ! And, so help me God, I am not going to let all y'all ruin it with your bad moods and your bad attitudes ! Give me that." She grabbed Ashley's flask and chugged from it. She handed it back. "It's almost empty. Now, listen up. Caroline, you come out of that laundry room right now. Everybody else, go sit your butts down and let's figure out what we have to do to make this work. Everybody hear me ?"

You should have seen the glances flying between me, Zara, Brandi Lyn, and Ashley. "Go, Mallory."

"I didn't know you had it in you."

"Who would have guessed ?"

"Look who's got her bloomers in a bunch."

Suddenly self-conscious, Mallory giggled. "Well, I'm fired up, and when I'm fired up, I speak up."

"Nice job."

"Come on, Caroline, " Mallory called over the transom. "Will you please come out ?"

"I just want to know y'all won't laugh at me ?"

"We're here, aren't we ?" I said. "Of course we're not going to laugh at you."

"Ashley ?"

All eyes turned to Ashley. She sighed. "Caroline, I like to pride myself on always telling the truth, but I guess sometimes the truth hurts and I could be more respectful of other people's feelings."

I raised an eyebrow. "Are we actually calling that an apology ?"

"Trying !" Ashley groaned. "I'm sorry, Caroline. I really am !"

The door unlocked and a tear-covered Caroline appeared in the doorway. Ashley offered her the flask. She drained it of the last drop. "Thank you. Why are y'all being so nice to me ?"

We stood there for a moment, contemplating. And there it was, happening. The very bonding that Mizz Upton had been exhorting us to create for three weeks straight. All the board games and charades in the world could not have achieved what witnessing the Armageddon of Ashley's love and Caroline's humiliation had. Nothing brings people together like tragedy. I mean nothing.

"Because we're Magnolia Maid sisters, " Ashley stated. "We're a team."

It turns out Team Magnolia Maid, without even talking about it, was definitely on the same page regarding something else - getting a party started. Back in the rec room, I dove into my duffel bag and pulled out a bottle of tequila that Teddy Mac had donated to the cause, courtesy of his mother's well-stocked bar. "You're going to need this, " he'd said. Ashley yanked out a liter of vodka, Mallory pulled out Grand Marnier, Zara brought out a bottle of champagne, and even Caroline revealed a bottle of Boone's Farm. Brandi Lyn accompanied Caroline to the kitchen for ice, limes, cranberry juice, and every supply necessary for good cosmopolitans, and within fifteen minutes we had set up a bar as fine as any tailgating party the South has ever known.

Then we sat down to talk. Or tried to. Nobody had bothered to change out of their dresses, so we were all hoopskirted up. It was a disaster. Balancing our drinks, Zara and I carefully sat down on the couch, only to have our skirts fly right over our heads, just like Brandi Lyn had done earlier. We howled with laughter. And did it again just for fun.

"Are you kidding me ?" I yelled. "Are we not even going to be able to sit down in these things ?"

"No, you can, " replied Mallory. "I'll show you. Move." I jumped out of the way. Okay, that's an exaggeration. There's no jumping when you're wearing thirty-five pounds' worth of skirts. One side at a time, Mallory kicked up the lower rung of her skirt and grabbed it. Then she shimmied her butt up to the couch, lifted the back of the skirt, plopped it over the back of the couch, and sat. "See, the skirts fly over your head if you sit on the hoop. If you move the hoop out of the way, and don't sit on it, you'll be fine."

"That's like a ten-step process to sit down. And you look ridiculous backing your butt up to the couch like that, by the way."

Zara asked, "How do you know all this, Mallory ?"

"Told you. Twelve years I've been waiting. In the meantime I've been practicing in my cousin Lucinda's hoops."

"There is an easier way to sit, " added Ashley.

"Oh yeah, show them, Ash !"

"You just cross your ankles and kind of flutter to the ground." Ashley demonstrated, ending up in a flurry of flounces and ruffles as her skirts and hoops collapsed all around her.

That did look easy. "Aha ! That's what I'm doing."

So we moved the furniture out of the way and we all "fluttered" to the ground in a circle, ending up looking like a bowl of pastel sherbets.

Finally, the talking began. Ashley started. "I thought Jimmy and I would be together forever, " she said.

"I'm sorry, Ashley, " Caroline said. "I thought y'all were the perfect match, what with your fathers being in the same law firm and everything."

A tear came to Ashley's eye. "I did, too. I thought everything was set. We'd finish high school, go to college, get engaged senior year. Get married the next summer. I wanted to have my first baby by the time I was twenty-four."

Wow. "Isn't that young ?" I asked.

"Not around here, " said Brandi Lyn. "Anyway, it's good to have a life plan."

"I had it all planned, " continued Ashley. "We even got a room reserved at the Riverview for next Saturday after our Boysenthorp debut for, well, you know"

Mallory gasped. "What ?! You didn't tell me that !"

"He said he couldn't wait to get a certain dress up over my head."

I grinned. "I will say this, that's more original than doing it after prom."

"I guess he just couldn't wait for me." More tears came to Ashley's eyes. Poor thing.

I had to ask something, though. "Out of curiosity, Ashley, how did Jimmy feel about your whole life plan ?"

"Well, he didn't know about all of it. I mean, we'd talk about where we'd live if we ever got married, but mostly it was something our mothers talked about. That I talked about with them. They just loved the idea of us as a couple."

"Hmmph, " I said, sounding like Grandmother. "It sounds more to me like y'all didn't have much choice."

"Yeah, like it was something that your parents expected you to do, " said Zara.

"But you loved him, right, Ashley ?" asked Caroline.

"Yes, of course I did ! I mean" Ashley trailed off.

As Ashley sank into her own head, Mallory turned to Zara. "So what's your problem ?"

Zara sighed. "Ugh. My controlling, freak-show father is ruining my life !"

"Sounds familiar, " said I.

"He went through my phone."

"Oh no."

"This can't be good."

"I hate it when my parents do that."

"What did he find ?"

"Texts. Lots of them. Between me and this boy."

Mallory leaned closer. "Who ?"

Zara went conspicuously silent. Totally buttoned up.

"I know !" I said. "It's that guy from the pictures !" I turned to the other girls. "Y'all, I have seen this specimen and he is indeed hottie pa-tottie ! Tell, Z, tell !"

"Well, " Zara demurred. "It is kind of scandalous, you guys."

"We love scandal !" Mallory cried.

"That's why my father is about to kill me."

"Now I'm interested, " Ashley said. We all leaned forward toward the front edge of our dresses.

Zara suppressed a grin. "Well he was a teacher at my school." We all shrieked. A teacher ? How taboo-licious ! "Well, he isn't really a teacher, he's a teaching assistant and he's only three years older than me, so it's not that terrible, but still. Daddy is livid." She explained that the specimen's name was Charlie, and he was a student at Georgetown University and he had been the darkroom monitor for her photography class. They had hit it off during the long hours Zara spent developing film and printing pictures, which had turned into having coffee, which had turned into hanging out at his dorm room on a Friday night, which had turned into them dating until her parents had viciously moved her here to Bienville.

"It must be so hard for you !"

"Do you miss him ?"

"Every single day. What can I say ? He's my muse."

"Awwwww."

"You have a muse ?"

"I've never known anyone who had a muse before."

"The thing is, I was supposed to go to DC in a couple of weeks, to see my friends, so Charlie and I started texting, and" Deep breath in. "He invited me to stay with him."

"To stay with him !"

"Here comes the scandal !"

" and my dad read all those texts and now he's making me cancel the trip."

"That's so sad !"

"You poor thing !"

"He was threatening to call my old school and get him fired, but Momma talked him down off that ladder."

"Ugh, this is terrible."

Zara grimaced. "And I have no idea when I'll see him again. If ever."

Mallory turned to Ashley. "We can make that happen, right, Ash ?"

Ashley came out of her funk. "Of course, when we go to DC."

"We'll sneak you out !" Cool, more sneaking around ! I raised my glass in the air.

"To sneaking Zara out to see a cute boy !"

"To cute boys !"

"Of which Jimmy is no longer one !"

"Hear, hear !"

We toasted, clinked glasses amidst Mallory screaming, "Don't spill ! No spilling on the dress !"

"We need more drinks !"

Mallory jumped up. "I'll get them !" And she bustled back to our bar and fired up her cocktail shaker to make another round of cosmopolitans.

Zara leveled a look at me. "You know what else we need ? We need to know what's going on between Jane and Luscious Luke Churchville !"

"Yes we do !" Mallory sang from the bar.

"No we don't !" I sang back to her.

Zara was not giving up. "Come on. Everybody on our team at the fund-raiser noticed that something was going on. I have never seen so much eye ping-pong in my life. Glance here. Glance there. Glance everywhere."

"Ha-ha. I never knew you were so funny, Z."

Ashley jumped on Zara's bandwagon. "And I saw y'all out there on the porch at Lancer's the other night. It looked like some awfully personal words were being exchanged."

"I saw that, too !" Caroline giggled.

"Tell us."

"It won't kill you !"

Oh yes it will, I thought. I had never told anyone the story. Ever. My heart was beating so fast as every eye in the room pounced on me, demanding I tear down the brick wall, pull out the box with Luke's name on it, and open it for all to see. It felt like I was in front of a firing squad, a pastel-colored, cosmo-tipsy, sweetly concerned firing squad. I tried to put them off. "Oh, it's such a long story."

"We have time."

"We have about ten more hours between now and breakfast."

"Please, Jane, " said Caroline. "We really want to know."

Something burst inside me. My heart ? The dam holding back the waters ? Whatever it was, I found myself spouting out everything about everything, from Disney World to Daddy and back again. I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Every blow, every moment, every detail from five years ago to just last Saturday night. When I was done, the room was totally silent.

"Jane ?" Caroline spoke tentatively after a few moments. "I Was that your first kiss ?"

I nodded, then in a fit of "Oh my God, I just revealed way too much !" I awkwardly wriggled my way to standing and rushed over to the bar to make myself another cosmo.

As I returned, I couldn't help but notice that Ashley was staring at me, mouth open as if she wanted to speak. "What, do you want to make fun of me now ?" I snapped.

"No. Not at all." She shook her head. "I'm just really sorry for you, Jane."

"You're sorry ?"

"Yeah, your family life, I can't imagine how hard it is not to have a mother. Or your father around. To live with your elderly grandmother. It's just not normal."

"Okay. That sounds kind of terrible the way you said that, but I think you actually mean well."

"I do !"

"You've had such a hard life, Jane, " Mallory said.

"Harder than anyone else's here, I bet, " said Brandi Lyn of all people.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I think everyone has a hard life, one way or another."

Everyone nodded at that one. We sat quietly for a moment.

Finally, Zara broke the silence. "What are you going to do about Luke ?"

"What is there to do ? It's a done deal. He hates me."

"Do you still like him ?"

I thought about it a minute. "How can I ? I don't know him. He's a memory. I have no idea who he is now. And he obviously hates me."

"No he doesn't."

"I don't believe that."

I grimaced. "And he's with Mosey or Posey or whatever her name is."

Mallory and Ashley exchanged glances. "I don't think so, " said Mallory.

"They may have hooked up at a party or something, " Ashley added.

"But if they were really dating, we'd know."

"Yeah, this is Bienville. We'd totally know."

Meanwhile, Caroline was mulling the whole thing over and coming up with a different take. "Jane, I bet he still likes you."

Huh ?! "I doubt it."

"No, seriously. I bet he was really hurt by what happened back then and now that you're back in town, he really wants to see you. That's the kind of thing that happens in romance novels ALL the time. There's a misunderstanding, feelings get hurt."

"But because he's a boy" - Ashley switched into total shrink mode - "and boys are notorious for being emotional morons, he lashed out."

"But secretly underneath it all he still loves you."

I nearly snorted my cosmo up my nose. If I had learned one thing it was that my life was definitely not a romance novel. "Yeah, right. Nice fantasy."

Mallory grabbed my hand. "We could talk to him if you want."

"NO !" I barked like a rabid dog. "Absolutely not, no way, no how !"

"Okay, okay. Calm down."

"I'm serious, Mallory, Ashley. I just want to put the whole thing behind me."

"Are you sure ?"

"Yes, I'm sure ! Leave it alone. Please. Let me forget about him." Clearly, it was time to change the subject. "Anyway, Brandi Lyn, " I said, "what's going on with you ? I thought you didn't drink anything stronger than Diet Coke ? And you've had like, what ? Three cosmos already."

She giggled. "Oh, I'm just real tired, that's all. I've just been working hard at the Shack to make extra money and then at night on the dress."

But out of the blue, her entire face transformed. Her easy smile slid away and her lower lip started trembling. She burst into sobs. "I'm sorry, y'all, it's just, I'm so, feeling so emotional. These stories are so sad ! Ashley, what Jimmy did to you I would just die if JoeJoe ever acted that way toward me ! Zara, the fact that you can't be with the boy you love And Jane, you poor thing ! I just feel for you so much !"

It was as contagious as a yawn, her weeping.

Caroline burst into tears.

Then Mallory burst into tears.

Ashley was the next to go. At first she was calm, thanking Brandi Lyn for her sympathy, but once she got going it wasn't long before she was hiccuping and hyperventilating. "He was my whole life ! I don't know how to carry on !" she exclaimed over and over again, as if she were straight out of some Shania Twain song (not that I'm dissing Shania Twain here because I'm not).

Mary, Mother of Meltdowns ! What a big, blubbering pastel mess. The scene on the Bienville Civic Center stage four and a half weeks ago was nothing compared to this. This was a sixty-tissues-per-girl-meltdown mess.

Zara and I looked at each other, at first in this "Oh, Lord, can you believe the drama kind of way, " but then I couldn't help it, I felt a tear quiver in my eye, and I saw Zara's lips start trembling.

Under such conditions, it should come as no surprise that the histrionics level rose faster than a flood during a category five hurricane. One Maid threw out an idea and then another one picked up on it and we spiraled ourselves into a frenzy.

First it was :

"Boys are dumb !"

"Boys ARE dumb !"

"Boys are SO dumb !"

Then it shifted to :

"Jimmy is such a jerk for breaking up with Ashley in front of everybody !"

"We should have let JoeJoe beat him up !"

"Do you think he still will ?"

"Oh yes, he and my brothers would totally do it ! You want me to call them ?"

"Kind of !"

"No, y'all are talking crazy talk !"

Then it spiraled in this direction :

"Jane, you need to straighten things out with Luke ! Tell him the truth !"

"I told y'all, he doesn't care ! Although we did save a bird together."

"You saved a bird together !"

"Together !"

"That has to mean something, right ?"

"Oh, it definitely means something !"

"He still likes you."

"Soooo obvious !"

I shook my head. "No, y'all, it's not." But then I got to thinking. And trust me on this, nothing good comes from thinking after downing three cocktails and interacting with a sixty-Kleenex meltdown. "But you know what is obvious ? Luke owes me an apology. How dare he make out with some girl right in front of me ?"

"Yeah !"

"You are soooo right !"

I turned to Ashley. "And furthermore, how dare Jimmy dump you so publicly ? Doesn't he have any manners ? Doesn't anyone have any manners anymore ?"

"Yeah, Jimmy owes you an apology, Ashley !"

"Luke owes Jane an apology !"

And that's when I got the idea that changed everything. "We should go find them right now and get this taken care of."

"Yeah."

"Yes, ma'am."

"You said it !"

"I wish we knew where they were."

"Shoot. Too bad we don't."

"I know where they are." All eyes flew to Caroline.

"My cousin Jules told me. They're playing pool at his house tonight. Jimmy, Luke, Lancer, all of them."

It took about sixty seconds for that to sink in. Then there was a mad scramble of hoops and ruffles and flounces as we all, as one, waddled to our feet.

Off we went, six sweet little Magnolia Maids, into the night to seek vigilante boy justice, secure in our beautiful newfound friendship.

If only it had lasted.

Chapter Fifteen

"Maybe we shouldn't be driving anywhere, " Caroline cautioned.

We were busily fixing our makeup before we went to confront the boys - after all, you have to look supercute while seeking vigilante boy justice - when Caroline made this salient point.

"I'll be right back !" Ashley exclaimed. She bustled out to her car and returned a few moments later with a small handheld device with a tube attached to it.

"What's that ?" I asked.

"A Breathalyzer !" she rhapsodized. "Daddy got it for me for Christmas so that I would call him if I ever got too drunk to drive." We eyed it with a combination of shock and awe.

Finally, I articulated what everyone was thinking. "Isn't your dad totally and completely encouraging you to be irresponsible and drink ?"

"Jane ! He knows I'm going to drink anyway ! Might as well make sure I'm doing it responsibly."

I thought about that for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay, it's genius !"

Zara could not believe it. "My daddy would never ever ever consider doing that, not in a million years !"

Ashley passed around the Breathalyzer to see who was sober enough to drive. One by one we inhaled into the device, and a number would flash on the screen telling us our blood alcohol level. Ashley went first and giggled. "Oopsy ! I guess it's not me who's driving !" She passed the Breathalyzer to Mallory.

"I am so drunk, " Mallory slurred before she even blew. "Look how drunk I am !" she bragged as she flashed her score around.

Brandi Lyn, the lightweight in the crowd, blew a lowish number, but just looking at her you could tell she was wobbling on her feet. Caroline and I were in the fair to middling range, not quite designated driver material. But Zara won our contest, blowing a very respectable low number. Clearly, she had not been knocking them back like the rest of us.

Ashley raised her hand in victory. "And we have a designated driver !"

"What can I say ? I just like to sip, " replied Zara.

"Well, you are cut off now, young lady !" said I. "You and only you are responsible for the fate of Bienville's finest feminine specimens !"

We waddled out of the house and decided to take Ashley's SUV, since it had the best chance of accommodating us plus our tons of taffeta.

"How are you supposed to get into a car in one of these things ?" I asked. Ever tried to step up into an Escalade in a thirty-five-pound dress ? Not so easy.

Mallory and Ashley frowned. "Well, that's the thing, " said Mallory. "You're not supposed to."

Ashley nodded. "Yeah, you're supposed to carry your skirts in the bag and put them on when you arrive at your appearance."

"Should we go in and change ?" asked Brandi Lyn. She just had on the hoopskirt, not the additional heavy layers, but that was still going to be an issue.

Now if we'd been smart, we would have taken all of this as a sign. We would have gone back inside, put ourselves to bed, and forgotten the whole thing.

But instead, I said, "Nooooo ! We're Magnolia Maids !"

Ashley got on board. "Yeah ! Let's do this !"

I got an idea. "I know !" I cried. "Y'all come push me in !"

Brandi Lyn and Mallory followed me around to the front passenger seat. I grabbed on to the handles in the Escalade. They put their hands on my butt.

"One ! Two ! Three !" They gave a giant heave as I pulled with all my might, and I soared into the SUV, landing face-first in the leather of the driver's seat. "Yay !" I cried.

"Yay !" everyone else cried.

"Okay, Zara, you come around to the driver's seat and I'll pull you in."

We pushed and pulled each other into the Escalade, ruffles, flounces, hoops, and bonnets flying everywhere. Getting into the car was one thing. Getting those hoops corralled was another. They were popping all over the place. There just wasn't enough room for anyone to settle down into a seat properly. Mallory kept yelling, "Try to collapse them ! And don't spill !" Yes, somebody had thought it was a good idea to bring along our liquor for the drive to Jules's house. Again, not the world's best idea.

When we finally got underway, I whipped out my iPhone and took a picture. I burst into laughter when I saw the results. "Oh my God ! We don't even look like normal humans ! We look like tiny heads floating on a sea of dresses !"

"Let me see ! Let me see !" I passed the phone back and everybody started posing for the camera.

When we reached a stoplight, Mallory yelled, "Zara, Jane, turn around ! Let me get your picture." Zara put the emergency brake on and shifted in her seat. We leaned our bonnets toward each other and mugged like runway models. Beautiful !

The light turned green and Zara put her foot on the gas. We resumed our drive down Country Club Road, and all was well until Zara's skirt suddenly flew up behind her and knocked her bonnet over her eyes !

"Oh no, I can't see !" she yelled. The car swerved back and forth across the road as she fought off the lace and taffeta covering her face.

We screamed in terror.

"Ahhhhh !"

"Oh my God ! Oh my God !"

"We're gonna die !"

"Oh my God, we're gonna die !"

"Lord, please don't let us die, please don't let us die, please don't let us die !"

"Jane, take the steering wheel !" Zara cried.

I darted forward to grab it, but I was tipsy, remember, so we were still careening a bit out of control. And I guess my sudden move forward must have loosened my hoopskirt, because out of nowhere it flew in my face, so I couldn't see, either ! I panicked, shouting, "Help ! Help !" I jerked the wheel by accident and all of a sudden the Escalade jumped the curb. "Zara, stop the car ! Now !" I yelled.

Zara slammed on the brakes, or tried to. "I can't ! My skirt's caught under the pedal !"

"Kick it out of the way !" I yelled.

"I'm trying !" But that clearly wasn't working.

"Stand on the brake then !"

Miraculously, Zara was able to lift herself straight and press all her weight on the brake pedal, and finally we screeched to a swerving, gut-wrenching halt.

We froze in stunned silence. After a moment, Brandi Lyn lifted her eyes to heaven. "Oh, most benevolent God, " she said with a slur. "Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting us live."

"Amen, " we Maids replied in unison.

Alas, that's when we heard the sound of the siren.

It began normally enough, our pull-over. We flipped out, of course, when we realized the siren and the lights were for us, because a) we were all drunk as hell (except Zara), b) the SUV had jumped a curb at Le Moyne Park and come to a stop terribly close to the duck pond, and c) there was enough liquor in the car to service a Mardi Gras float. Everyone rushed to stash the bottles under seats, in the glove compartment, in the way backseat with Brandi Lyn. As the cop approached the driver's-side window, Mallory grabbed the cocktail shaker out of Ashley's hands and frantically searched for the lid. "Where is it ? Where is it ?" With mere seconds to spare before the officer arrived, I told her to shove the cocktail shaker between her feet and keep still.

"What about the smell ?"

"Put something over it !"

"What ?"

"I don't know, your skirt !"

As the officer got closer and closer, Brandi Lyn suddenly retched. "Y'all ? I'm feeling a little queasy."

"Just keep it together, " I said. "We'll be out of this in no time."

By the time the knock of authority sounded on the driver's-side window, we had composed ourselves into the cheeriest group of Magnolia Maids anybody ever saw in their life. "Hello, Officer, " we chimed as he leaned down to ask Zara for her license and registration. Officer Unfriendly was clearly not playing along with our perky little game - he frowned when he saw that Zara had to ask Ashley where the registration was. He frowned again when he saw that her driver's license was from DC. "You're not from around here, are you, young lady ?"

"No, sir. My family moved here a few months ago."

"You realize that you're supposed to update your license within ten days of change of address ?"

"Uh, no, sir. I did not."

"I could give you a citation right now."

"I apologize, sir, I'll take care of it first thing Monday morning."

"You do that." He stared at her, his eyes laser beams burning through her skin. Then he aimed his spotlight into the car, highlighting us one by one.

"Hi, Officer, " I said when his light got to me. "We are Bienville's new Magnolia Court. You've heard of us, right ?" He didn't look too excited, but at least he nodded. "Well, we're just coming home from our very first Magnolia Court event, and well, we've been having some wardrobe malfunctions." I explained what had happened with my and Zara's skirts and how we had ended up jumping the curb into the park. "But we're fine. Everybody's okay." I gave him my brightest Southern belle smile. "Except for having to wear these super-awkward outfits."

"Y'all, I'm gonna throw up !" Brandi Lyn clawed to get out of the back of the Escalade. "Somebody help me out of here !"

Great. Perfect timing for ruining my cover story. I attempted to bat my eyelashes at the officer. "Poor Brandi Lyn, she hasn't been feeling so good tonight."

"Y'all ! Help !"

I jumped out of the front seat and ran to the back and ripped open the door just in time to receive the bountiful gift of Brandi Lyn's vomit all over my bodice. "Ewww !" I screamed.

"Oh, Jane, I'm sorry, so sorry !" And she puked again, but this time only on my skirt. Thank God.

Officer Unfriendly beamed his light back on Zara. "Get out of the car, please." Officer Unfriendly made Zara do the walking test, the one where you have to follow a straight line, then hold your arms out and touch your nose. She passed it with flying colors, thank goodness. Meanwhile, Caroline found a beach towel in the backseat and handed it to me so I could dab the vomit off my chest.

"Okay, young lady, " Officer Unfriendly said to Zara as she got back in the car. "Get this vehicle cranked and turned around."

Mallory gasped. "Oh no ! You're taking us to jail !"

He shook his head. "No. Suspicious and ridiculous as this situation is, I'm gonna let you girls off." He raised a threatening eyebrow. "This time."

The sighs of relief in the Escalade were so enormous, our sea of dresses ebbed and flowed like a taffeta tidal wave.

The biggest sigh of all came from Caroline. "Thank you, Officer ! God bless you, Officer !"

"But, " he continued, "I'm gonna make sure you get home without any more incidents. So get this vehicle cranked and let's go."

"Yes, sir ! Thank you, sir !" Zara started the engine, and our night probably would have ended there, except

"Wait, follow us home ?" I gave the officer a super-fake smile. "Actually, Officer, that won't be necessary."

He leaned down and scowled at me.

"Jane, please." Zara shook her head.

"No, Zara, there's no need for him to follow us."

"Jane, forget about it. Let's just go back to Mizz Upton's and call it a night."

But in my mind we'd done nothing wrong. "But we're fine, Zara. We don't need a police escort."

Zara's eyes pleaded with me to shut up. "The nice officer is just making sure we get home safely. So let's let him."

"But we have to finish our mission for the day, " Ashley called from the middle of the backseat. "Excuse me, Officer ! We have something we have to do."

"You'll do it tomorrow, then, " Officer Unfriendly replied. "You girls are a menace to society driving around in those dresses, and I want you home where you belong NOW. Before you jump any more curbs. Or worse."

But that Ashley, she wasn't having it. She leaned across Mallory to yell out the driver's-side window, "But Officer, we have official Magnolia Maid business ! If my uncle, the sponsor of the program, the head of the chamber of commerce, hears about you stopping us, you are going to be officially in trouble !"

Oh no. It was so obvious that the "do you know who I am routine" was pissing off the officer. But the thing that really threw him over the edge was that she leaned over to wag her finger at him, getting into Mallory's face, so Mallory jumped back, which caused her to kick over the cocktail shaker and send its contents streaming across the Escalade's floor. Within seconds, the air reeked of vodka and Grand Marnier, and Officer Unfriendly's nostrils came to serious attention.

"No, young lady, " he said. "You are officially in trouble. Everybody out of the car. We're going downtown."

Chapter Sixteen

I think it's pretty safe to say that the Bienville County Jail had never seen anything like the sight of six little Magnolia Maids, in varying stages of Magnolia dress, trudging in to the county jail. Swish, swish, swish. The officers at the front desk stared, the good citizens filing reports gawked, the folks bailing out their loved ones gaped. Bonnets are very useful, it turns out, for covering your face when you're doing the most humiliating walk of shame ever.

As we were escorted into Cell Block 3, two "ladies of the evening, " who had been picked up earlier in the red-light district, greeted us from the next cell over.

"What the hell ?" asked Lady One, eyeing our ridiculous getups. "Y'all come through some time travel machine or something ? Which a' you is Scarlett ?"

Lady Two shook her head. "Uh-uh-uh, " she uttered, looking at Zara. "Girl, what you doing wearing that plantation dress ? Shoot."

Thank God they put us in our own cell.

Having had a few run-ins like this before, I knew our situation wasn't as bad as it could have been. I tried to cheer up my completely down, suddenly sober crowd. "At least they didn't book us."

No one responded.

"Seriously, y'all. They didn't take our mug shots, didn't fingerprint us. We should be happy."

"Shooooot, " drawled Lady Two from the other cell. "She right. Y'all fine, long's they don't fingerprint you."

Caroline spoke from the corner of our cell. "It doesn't matter. My mother's still going to kill me."

"She's going to kill all of us, " added Mallory. "There's never been a Maid arrested before ! Not even during the civil rights marches of the sixties !"

"Look on the bright side. We'll definitely go down in history, then." I snorted. Gallows humor.

Mallory looked like she was going to burst into tears. "It's not funny !" she cried.

"Oh my God, my scholarship ! Sorry, Lord." Brandi Lyn's hand flew to her chest and she looked heavenward in apology. "No one gives scholarships to girls who have been arrested ! How am I going to pay for college ?"

I heaved a sigh. "Clearly, you girls haven't been in trouble much. Let me break it down for you. The City of Bienville can't afford to have the pristine Magnolia Maid name sullied. They can't afford to let this go on our permanent record. It would be a humiliation to them. They're gonna let us go with a hand slap, I will bet you money."

"I'd bet on that, " called Lady Two from the next cell. "Bunch a' white girls ain't gonna have no problems getting their sorry selves out a' trouble. Hey, sugar, you wanna spare a smoke ?" Of course I handed her a cigarette. We were going to need allies if we were going to be in jail long.

Zara glared at me. "Excuse me, Miss America's Most Wanted, " she spat. "But do you have a crystal ball hidden underneath that antebellum dress forecasting the outcome of this situation ? I'm sorry, but I think the rest of us are a little worried here."

"Worried ? Who's worried ?" I asked.

"I am." Mallory furrowed her brow.

"Me !" Brandi Lyn raised her hand.

Caroline scratched at her arm. "I have hives."

"Can I ask you something ?" Zara asked.

I shrugged. Might as well.

"Did you even think about me ? About how I felt ? Or any of us ? Because if you had, you might have thought about how terrified I was. I nearly wrecked back there ! And then when I heard that siren. I was the one driving the car ! I was shaking to death ! All I wanted to do was get out of there and go home and then he was gonna let us and you had to go and pick a fight !"

"What do you mean pick a fight ?" I spluttered. "I was just saying we didn't need an escort ! Ashley's the one who pissed him off !"

"Well, I would expect that from Miss Name-Dropper-Holier-Than-Thou over there, but you ? I thought you had more sense than to pick a fight with a cop ! But then that's your specialty, isn't it ? Picking fights."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please. I don't pick fights."

"That's all you do."

"No I don't."

"Well, you kinda do."

I swiveled around to find Brandi Lyn actually agreeing with Zara. "What ? How ?"

"Well, remember how you wouldn't let me quit when Mizz Upton said I should ? And then you declared war on her ? That's kind of picking a fight, isn't it ?"

Caroline nodded. "And you tried to get me to change my queen vote to Brandi Lyn as part of your ongoing fight with Ashley."

"You get into a fight with Ashley every chance you get, " said Mallory.

"Except tonight, " replied Zara. "When the two of you actually joined forces to insist we go find those lame boys !"

"Zara, I" I went silent. I was what ? Sorry ? Tipsy ? Annoyed ? Misunderstood ? Some combination of all the above ?

"You done it now, girl !" cackled Lady One from the next cell. "Gone crazy after boys ! You should be ashamed of yo'self." She pointed at my silver earrings. "You wanna let me have those earrings ? They sure is pretty !"

I shook my head. "You know what, you guys ? That's not fair ! How can you say I'm just all about picking fights ? I have worked really hard for the Magnolia Maids ! I spearheaded the fund-raiser idea. And I've been there for you all personally, too ! Brandi Lyn, I got you that makeover, and Caroline, I tried to cheer you up about your mother, and Mallory, well, I gave you advice on how to deal with the Ashley/Jimmy/Katherine situation. I think y'all should be a little more appreciative of me !"

Somewhere in the middle of that, Ashley's mouth hit the floor. "What ? Jane, you gave Mallory advice ?" She whirled on Mallory. "You knew ? And you asked Jane about it ? You told me you had no idea !"

Uh-oh.

"Well, I I I, " Mallory stammered.

"You kept that information from me ? And let me suffer the worst humiliation of my life ?"

"I wanted to tell you, I really did !"

"How could you not ?"

"I was scared."

"Scared ? Of what ?" Ashley screamed, sounding scary.

Mallory shrunk back against the wall. "I love you to death, Ash, but you're always so Everything's such a big deal with you."

"What do you mean everything's such a big deal' with me ?" Ashley screeched, making a big deal of everything. Mallory zipped her lip. But it was too late. The lid to Pandora's box was off and Ashley was not, I repeat not, backing down. Mallory soon found herself tearfully confessing that there was indeed some truth to what James had said that night on the bay. Everything always had to go Ashley's way and the fits she threw when it didn't were known the whole state over. Ashley denied it, of course, saying that Mallory was overreacting, which spurred Mallory on to a dissection of the history of Ashley's demands starting with part 1 : The Ken and Barbie Years, through to part 7 : Birth of a Magnolia Maid.

Mallory's venting was like lice in kindergarten - contagious. While she built up steam with each installment of the Ashley Must Have Her Way Show, Zara laid into me even more for not backing down and letting her handle the cop situation as she saw fit.

Brandi Lyn tried to play diplomat. "Y'all ! Stop it ! We're supposed to be sisters in Magnolia Maid love !"

Everyone groaned.

"If we were ever sisters, it's all over now !" Ashley retorted.

"Y'all, hush !" Caroline begged. "We're going to get in even more trouble !"

"How ?" Zara replied. "We're already in prison ! What else can they do to us ?"

At that moment, Mallory shouted, "AND I already had a dress picked out for tryouts when you e-mailed us saying we had to coordinate and that pink was your color ! I wanted to wear pink ! But nooooooo, Ashley had to get her way and wear pink !"

Oh, wow. Had Ashley really sent that memo straight out of my devious imagination ? Of course she had.

Then, above the chaos, a little voice wailed. "I have to quit the Magnolia Maids !"

Girl by girl, we all turned to the source of the cry : Brandi Lyn.

"What ?"

"Huh ?"

"Why ?"

Through tablespoons of tears, Brandi Lyn blubbered out that making the dress herself had turned into a disaster of epic proportion. "Have y'all ever tried to sew on taffeta ?"

We all shook our heads. Not a one of us knew how to sew.

"It's impossible ! First, it was taking forever, and what with all the extra hours I've been putting in at the Krawfish Shack to pay for the fabric, I simply could not find the time to work on it ! But then I was up late sewing the other night, and I was half asleep and I made a mistake and made a mess of the ruffles on the skirt, and, and ruined yards and yards of fabric." She started gasping for air. "And I'll have to start all over again and buy new material, but there's no way I can afford it. So I'm going to have to quit !"

"So that's why you've been throwing back the cosmos all evening, " I said.

"I'm sorry, y'all, " wept Brandi Lyn. "I'm so sorry. Caroline, you'll have to take my place."

Caroline leapt off the jail bench. "No, what ? No !" She swayed precariously.

"Oh, don't faint, Caroline. We've already done that once." Brandi Lyn and I rushed to her side and helped her sit back down.

"You can't quit, Brandi Lyn ! I can't be a Magnolia Maid !"

"You can ! You're beautiful ! You'll be great !" Brandi Lyn tried to keep a brave face, but her lip was trembling like a California earthquake.

"I'll faint. I'll fall down !" Caroline's arms and chest turned red and blotchy. Poor thing, now she really did have hives ! "I'll look like a whale in the dress !"

"We all will, " I said, not very helpfully.

"People will laugh at me. My mother will yell at me. Oh my God, my mother." She didn't even have to go into detail on that one. We knew what she meant. "Please. Please, y'all. You can't let Brandi Lyn quit. I'm begging you."

That's about the time old Walter Murray Hill walked in.

Chapter Seventeen

We all live with expectations, whether we realize and acknowledge them or not. Our expectations define the way that we think our world should be, the way things should go. Some expectations are obvious. When you walk into a restaurant, you expect someone to serve you a plate of food. When you go to school, you expect to be bored out of your mind (I mean, learn something). You go to a shoe store, you expect them to sell shoes, not handguns.

So when you get dragged into the Bienville County Jail for drinking under age, what do you expect from the authority figure who shows up to bail your behind out ? An endless lecture and punishment up the wazoo. And if you're a Magnolia Maid, you expect to be kicked off the Court, then sent home for more punishment from your God-fearing, authority-respecting Southern parents.

Me, I was convinced we were going to be fine, but the girls were terrified. The minute Uncle Walter showed up, Ashley dropped the catfight and switched into full damage-control mode. "Oh, Uncle Walter, I don't know why that officer stopped us !" "Yes, we did each have a little teeny-weenie drink but all those big bottles must have been Daddy's, I don't know where they came from ! I'm so worried that Zara's in trouble, Uncle Walter. Please say it isn't so !" Of course, she was trying to cover her own butt, but she was at least covering everyone else's in the process.

Mallory also went into hysterics mode when Uncle Walter came in. She was so panicked about losing the opportunity to wear her antebellum dress and represent Bienville that she wept uncontrollably as we were escorted into an investigation room. "Please don't kick us off the Maids. Please don't take this away from us ! I'll just die if you take this away from us ! Just die !"

The rest of us remained quiet.

There were only four chairs in the interrogation room (just like in the one Kyra Sedgwick uses to interview people of interest on The Closer - God bless her and her totally fake Georgia accent). Walter Murray Hill gestured for us all to take a seat, and everyone did except me and Zara. We repaired to opposite corners, like prizefighters waiting for the bell to announce the first round.

Standing at the head of the table, Walter Murray Hill loomed above us. "Girls. Maids, " he corrected himself. "This is a night that will go down in Magnolia Maid history."

"I knew it !" weeped Mallory. "No Maid has ever been arrested before. We're the first ones. It's a travesty !"

"It is true that this is the first time I have ever in my life gotten out of my bed in the middle of the night to bail a bevy of Magnolia Maids out of jail. I have on more than one occasion bailed out my sons and their wayward friends, but you girls." He shook his head. "I thought y'all had more sense than this, okay." One by one, we hung our heads in shame.

Walter Murray Hill sighed deeply. "Maids, I knew changing up the Court was going to be hard. Many of my acquaintances and colleagues told me time and again that the way things were was fine. Walter, why go rocking the boat, okay, ' they said. Let's run things the way we always have.' To those people I have said, Bienville's ready. We can do it. Let's leave the past behind. Move into the future."

Mr. Walter paused and looked us each in the eye. "But I may have made a mistake here, okay. I did not take into consideration how hard this was going to be on you all. Ashley, Mallory, your expectations about what this year was going to look like were not met, and you've had a hard time bonding with the other girls."

They nodded, though their agreement lacked the fervor and anger of their initial reaction at the pageant all those weeks ago.

"Zara." Walter Murray Hill turned to her. "You being a newcomer to town, and Jane, your having been away so long, well, it's affected your ability to fit in. Brandi Lyn, I sure am sorry to hear about your money situation. That's a real issue, it sure is, and I didn't take that into account when I approved you. Caroline, I know it's not easy for you, what with your mother being the sponsor." He sighed again. "I kept thinking, though, this group of girls, they're interesting. Modern. They're going to be able to do a lot for us here in Bienville. You proved that right with the fund-raiser, that's for sure. And I thought with time you'd all be able to pull it together. But what happened tonight" He closed his eyes. "Tells me I made a mistake. A big one. Do you have any idea how many rules in the handbook you just broke ?"

I raised my hand. "Four. Drinking while wearing the dress, driving while wearing the dress, wearing the dress on an outing not approved by the organization, getting arrested while wearing the dress."

"That is correct, Jane. And one of those is a crime. Do you have any idea what I've just had to do to convince the police not to book you ? Mizz Upton was right. This is the most unfit group of Maids I have ever encountered. Which is why I'm considering disbanding the organization for the year."

Boy, when he said that, you could have heard a hoopskirt drop, it was so quiet. We were all a little shocked by Walter Murray Hill's announcement. This was so much more serious than what I had seen coming.

And we may have been completely and totally mad at each other, but there ain't nothing like a group of Magnolia Maids on the verge of being disbanded. No way were we going to let this end now.

"No, Mr. Walter, please don't !"

"We'll never do anything like this again !"

"I know we're difficult, Mr. Walter, but we can do this !"

"We are modern !"

"The fund-raiser is only the beginning of what we are capable of !"

"We can live up to your expectations !"

"Are you kidding ? We can surpass them !"

We were such a whirling dervish of ferocious persuasion, Walter Murray Hill couldn't keep up with us. He held his hands out to shut us up. "I hear you ! I hear you ! I want to give you all another chance. I want this to work, too. But there are going to be some ground rules, okay." He cleared his throat. "Number one. I do not - repeat DO NOT - want Martha Ellen Upton to hear word one about this. I do NOT want it in the gossip columns. I've talked to the boys out there about making sure this thing stays private, and they've agreed. You girls do your part and keep your mouths shut. Don't tell a soul. I mean anyone. Not your parents, your siblings, your friends, your boyfriends. The first phone call I get with somebody asking about Magnolia Maids being hauled to jail, I will disband you. Do you understand ?"

We couldn't yell "Yes, sir !" fast enough. This was really good news, and we all knew it. The fact that Mr. Walter was powerful enough to control the small-town gossip mill was going to make life a whole lot easier.

"Number two. You girls are going to sponsor an alcohol-education course for teens as one of your charity events, and you're going to actually take the class yourselves." Oh, I had to hand it to Mr. Walter. Make it look like we were helping the community, when we were really saving ourselves from a future as lushes ? Genius.

"Number three. I need you to elect a queen by Saturday, okay. Number four. If anything else happens like this again"

"We know, " said Ashley.

"We'll be the first Court in history to be disbanded, " said Mallory.

"Exactly. Now don't you ever let me catch you here again."

As he escorted us out of the police station, Walter Murray Hill chuckled. "You know, Maids, " he said. "You girls have spark and passion. You remind me of the first girl who ever asked me when was I going to integrate the Court."

"Really ?" Mallory leapt on this information like a rooster on a hen. "A Maid asked you to integrate ? I never knew that !"

"A queen, as a matter of fact. She said, Mr. Walter, how can we say that we truly represent the city of Bienville, which is a wonderfully diverse place, if we only have wealthy white girls on the Court ? It's just not right, Mr. Walter, ' she told me." Melancholy invaded his words as he shook his head. "I've heard her voice in my head every one of the twenty-five years it's taken me to get up the gumption to do it."

"Who was she ?" Mallory asked. "The maid who asked you ?"

Walter Murray Hill put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. "Cecilia Fontaine. Jane's mom."

Chapter Eighteen

Unlike Uncle Walter, I still couldn't hear my mother's voice. All these weeks of cruising around B'ville asking her questions, trying to integrate her into my life as Grandmother suggested, and I still couldn't hear her.

By the time I turned nine, the ALS had started to work its decaying ways on the muscles of her vocal cords. At first, it sounded like she was slurring, and we'd laugh that oops ! She must have had one too many glasses of champagne ! But as the disease stole more and more power from the neurons in her throat, Mom's words came out as grunts and groans struggling to shape themselves into comprehensible sentences. Sadly, more and more often, our ears were incapable of making sense of them. Along came the DynaVox, and Mom would spend endless spans of time typing her thoughts into a mini-laptop that would then read them in a computer-generated voice. "Dyna, " we called her, and she eventually became the only way Mom could communicate. So what did the real voice of the fully capable woman my mother had once been sound like ? I couldn't remember. Was it screechy and high-pitched ? Or low and breathy ? Did she call my name quickly - "Jane !" ? Or did she sing it out into two syllables, "Jay-ayne" ? How did she construct a sentence ? Did she ramble on ? Or was she efficient and precise with her word choice ? At least I remembered her laugh. That never changed, no matter how much her speech deteriorated. It kicked off as a bell tinkling, but if something was really funny, Mom's laugh turned into a train rumbling high-speed off the tracks into sweet chaos. Even after she couldn't speak, that woman could laugh, and she loved to hear me laugh. She called my laugh "her sweet nectar." Cheesy, I know, but I liked it.

I wonder what she'd say about my laugh now that it's all hoarse and croaky from the cigarettes ? Ugh.

And what would she say about the train wreck that was my own personal Magnolia Maid experience ? Ugh times two.

I wish I could describe the final days of rehearsals as full of forgiveness and friendship, love, peace, and happiness. But the damage had been done. Regardless of our passionate plea that Mr. Walter not disband the Court, we had fallen apart. Chatterbox Brandi Lyn had resigned and it was like we had all received a memo that no one was to talk to or look at anyone else. Ashley wasn't speaking to Mallory, Brandi Lyn wasn't talking to anybody because well, she wasn't there, Zara wasn't talking to me, and Caroline was so terrified she just wasn't talking, period. She was a walking zombie, and who could blame her ? Mizz Upton had ramped herself up into a frenzy way beyond her normal freak-show level. On the one hand, she was delighted that she had gotten one of her so-called undesirables off the Court. On the other, she worried like a madwoman about how the debut was going to come off since Caroline wasn't "Magnolia-ready." She constantly fretted about all the potato chip-eating and romance novel-reading Caroline had engaged in instead of participating in training. Mizz Upton took every opportunity to remind her of all this, and let me tell you, that's such an effective way to inspire someone to greatness. Tear them down as much as possible so they'll feel really crappy about themselves, then they'll rise to fabulous heights. Riiiiiiiiiggggghhhhtttt. Whatever. Never fear, she used the same tactic on the rest of us as well. "When are you Maids going to understand that you simply are not ready for the responsibilities that lie before you !" Had we perfected our banking up ? No ! Did we have our curtsies down ? NO, no, NO ! Did we have any idea how to do the flight formation correctly ? NO because we didn't have a queen yet.

I tried to talk to Zara, but she wasn't having it. Oh, she wallpapered a veneer of detached politeness/polite detachment, however you want to put it, onto her countenance, but she made a point of escaping over to the other side of the room as soon as she could extricate herself. Fine, be that way, Zara, I thought.

So, yeah, since nobody was talking to anybody at rehearsal, and I didn't feel much like talking to anybody anyway, B'ville had turned into a ghost town again. I had a lot of time on my hands, so I ran. I got addicted to Glee, which I watched while carefully sponging Brandi Lyn's vomit off my dress with dish soap. I started to look forward to Cosmo's visit and prepared for his arrival by trolling the Internet for everything I could find on international business and shipping. After all, we'd need something to talk about over long, leisurely dinners at the Petroleum Club. And I roamed around Grandmother's creakingly empty house trying to recollect my dead mother's voice and thinking about Walter Murray Hill's midnight revelation that it was she who pushed the idea of integrating the Magnolia Maids to begin with. Of course it had been Cecilia. Cecilia at seventeen had been blessed and perfect. Everybody loved her. She never did a thing wrong, had a completely normal life with two adoring parents. If she were alive, Daddy would never have left town, I never would have been kicked out of my own life and packed off to boarding schools or developed a bad attitude. Certainly, I would never have gotten a tattoo. No, I would have been sweet and wonderful and loving and kind and adored and adoring of others in return. I would have lived in a beautiful pink castle with a cute little pink lapdog and driven a little pink convertible and come in singing "The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Muuuuuuu-sic !" every day after school and would have just adored life ! Cecilia and Cosmo and I would have gone on family vacations together to Paris and eaten croissants on the Seine and waxed eloquent about how fabulous our family life was !

Ewwwwww. Enough of that. But I did ponder over and over the question what would Cecilia do if she were in this situation ?

I would have given anything to hear the answer.

A few days after the jail incident and about a week before our Boysenthorp debut, I was sitting out on the back porch furtively puffing on cigarettes and pondering the whole scenario once again. Zara's words were starting to infest my thought process. Was I personally responsible for this mess ? Had I really overstepped my bounds ? Hmmm. Okay, so maybe I did go a little crazy. Maybe I could have controlled my mouth a little better. Looked at the whole situation more clearly. Decided to keep my bear-sized trap shut given the fact that everyone in the car was tipsy. Maybe I had made a mistake.

And if Walter Murray Hill hadn't come down to the police station and thrown some of his high-class Old Bienville weight around, we might have been booked and gone to court and had to have done community service of a most un-Magnolia Maid variety. Me, I was accustomed to such getting in trouble and to paying the consequences - it had been my way of life for years - but the rest of the girls, they didn't have the criminal element gene anywhere near their DNA. No wonder the whole thing bothered them. Maybe I was to blame !

In the middle of the sinking ship of my unwelcome self-realization, the doorbell rang. I threw open the front door to find Ashley standing there.

Ashley ?!

I glanced out to the street to see her Escalade, recovered from impoundment, parked at the curb. So she wasn't a hallucination, but still. All I could do was gape at the apparition before me until she rolled her eyes and scolded, "Jane !!! The proper thing to do is to invite me in and offer me a sweet tea."

Shockingly, I did exactly what she said and a few minutes later we were out back on the porch. Grandmother had left for her Genealogical Society meeting, so I lit up another cigarette. "What are you doing here ?" I asked Ashley.

"Well, don't get too excited ! It's only because I have no one else to talk to that I'm here."

"Still freezing out the Mal-ster ?"

"Yes. And I'm certainly not talking to Katherine. And Courtney, well, she's as big a part of it as anybody else." Ashley took a sip of her sweet tea. "You know the worst thing ? We all live at Bienville Place. There are only four houses, Jane, and three of them contain people I never want to see again in my life !" Agitated, she grabbed for one of my cigarettes.

I raised an eyebrow. "Ashley, you smoke ?"

"Sometimes." She lit up, took two puffs, coughed up a storm, stubbed out the cigarette. "Ugh ! How can you do this ?"

"Practice. Self-hatred. Love of the nasty."

Ashley jumped up and started pacing. "And I can't go anywhere without seeing someone who was at Lancer's the other night ! Everybody in our circle, even the people who weren't there, knows what happened. They're all talking about me, I just know it !" She whirled in my direction. "Do you have any idea what that feels like ?"

I laughed. "Uh, yeah. Happens to me every day."

Ashley glared at me. "Thanks, Jane, the last thing I need right now is your sarcasm." She slammed her sweet tea on the table and jumped up to leave.

I grabbed her arm. "Wait, I'm not being sarcastic !" I said. "In all seriousness, Ashley, it happens every day. Some old blue hair, or some middle-aged friend of my mother will see me out and tell me I'm the spitting image of Cecilia and how kind and generous and fabulous she was and how sad it is that I'm left here without parents. That's what they say to my face. And I know what they say behind my back is even worse because Mizz Upton told me."

Ashley's head rocked into a slow nod. "That's true. People do talk about you. I talked about you. Oh my God !" Her eyes fell to her sandals, in something that kind of appeared to be shame ? "Oh, Jane. I am so sorry. I just didn't think."

"It's okay." I shrugged. "Gossip. It's Bienville's favorite pastime."

Ashley sighed and sat back down. "I don't see how you stand being talked about so much. I saw Andrew Lancer at the Stop and Pump the other day, and you know what he did ? He turned and acted like he didn't see me. Like he didn't see me ! We've been friends since the sandbox, Jane ! How could he ?"

I sympathized. "Or what about this ? Has this happened ? Where someone comes up to you and acts all friendly, How are you doing ? How have you been ?' But the whole time you just know they're thinking Wait till I call so-and-so and tell her what's going on !'"

Ashley gasped. "Oh my God, that happened yesterday ! I ran into Missy Milliner at Dillard's, you know her, right ?" I shook my head. "She's Katherine's first cousin on her mother's side, so of course she's heard about everything. It was so obvious she was pumping me for information !" Ashley looked relieved. "Jane, you totally get it !"

"I told you I live it, " said I. "By the way, what's the news on our jail time ? Has it gotten out ?"

"No. I think Uncle Walter really squashed it."

"We should write him a thank-you note. Dear Mr. Walter, thank you for saving our butts and keeping jail time off our permanent records.'"

Ashley laughed, and so did I. Wow, laughing with Ashley. One for the history books, as Mallory would say.

"There's something I've been wondering, Jane, " Ashley said. "That night, down at the bay, you tried to save me, didn't you ?"

I looked away.

"Because I've been thinking about it, " she continued. "And I remember it was you who pushed so hard for us have a dance party. Then to leave. You knew what was happening and you tried to get me out of there, didn't you ?"

Finally, I nodded.

"Why did you do that for me ? After I was so horrible to you ? Why ?"

I shrugged. "Oh, you know, that party was boring anyway. All those drunk bastards running around with their Ping-Pong paddles and their beer bongs. It was time to go."

Ashley leveled a no-nonsense "I am not letting you get away with that answer" look at me.

"Okay, fine, " I confessed. "I just didn't think anyone deserved that kind of humiliation. Not even you."

"Wow. Thanks, Jane."

"You're welcome." Ashley reached for another cigarette but I knocked her hand away. "Ashley ! You don't smoke !"

"I can't help it. I'm just so nervous." Her fingers tapped incessantly on the arms of Grandmother's antique wooden rocking chairs. "It's funny, Jane. I've been thinking about what you and Zara said the other night, about Jimmy. About how it sounded like I was just doing what everybody, what my mother, expected."

"Really ?"

"I'm starting to wonder if I ever really liked him, I mean for me. Or if it was just for her." She sighed. "But still, I don't think I can do this, Jane. I can't go out in public and be the laughingstock of the young set." All the breath in her body exploded out in an even deeper sigh. "I have to quit."

"Quit what ? The Magnolia Maids ?" I leapt out of my chair. "What ! No, no, no. You can't quit, too !"

She burst out laughing. "Wait. You are trying to get me not to quit ?"

"Seriously, Ashley, you can't skulk around town hiding from everyone until you go off to college ! You have to make your next public appearance a huge triumphant splash ! You have to put on your beached-whale dress and twirl your parasol and go out there and show everyone that you're just fine. In fact, you're perfect. In fact, Ashley part two, now that that cretin James is out of your life, is more than perfect. You're better than ever."

A slow grin crept across Ashley's face. "Oh my God, Jane, that's good advice !"

"I know. I'm the expert at picking fights and throwing things in people's faces." I flashed a grin that could only be described as rueful.

She grinned back. "That's true, you are."

I chose my next words carefully, knowing full well I was going out on a limb. "But Ashley, I don't mean to sound mean, but you really are a controlling, demanding princess. You do have a knack for making life hell for people." I braced myself for a furious response.

But I am happy to say that Ashley didn't shake me off at all. "I am starting to realize that, " she replied. "Except I prefer to use the word belle. Controlling, demanding belle." She winked, which totally made me giggle, which got her started giggling and before I knew it, we were giggling together. Our giggles turned into belly laughs, and our belly laughs led us over the invisible threshold of enmity into friendship. Had my own worst enemy just turned out to be a friend ? Dear Lord ! Sorry, Brandi Lyn.

When the laughing stopped, Ashley wiped away her tears and said, "No, I'm realizing that maybe it's time to let some things go. That maybe I don't have to control everything. Just some things."

"Awww, progress. So nice to see."

"Let's say I do stay on with the Magnolias. This thing is a mess. How in the world are we going to get it together ?"

"I know. Every day I sit here and ask myself what Cecilia would do."

"Cecilia ?"

"My mom ! The most perfect Magnolia Maid ever ? You may have heard of her ?" I sighed. "She'd know how to pacify everybody's hurt feelings, how to save Caroline from her worst nightmare ever, scrounge up some dress for Brandi Lyn."

And that's when it hit me. Sweet Maids a-Milking ! Of course ! The answer was right in front of me ! I flew out of my chair and yanked Ashley out of her seat so fast, sweet tea exploded out of her glass and onto the tile floor.

We didn't even stop to clean it up.

Chapter Nineteen

Master plans require finesse, elegance, allowances for contingencies, and just for fun, the element of surprise. During my tenure as mischief maker numero uno at my various boarding schools, I developed quite a facility for masterminding the most demanding plans. However, unlike those, Operation Return to Magnolia was about making things go right. Not wrong. Right. At a public event. With oh, say, a thousand people in attendance. The stakes were as high as that poker game in Casino Royale, the one with superhottie Mr. Daniel Craig. Every step of the plan had to come off without a hitch. In the hours following the unexpected solidification of our friendship, Ashley and I designed the foolproof plan, and it went something like this :

Step one : the makeups after the breakups. We piled into Ashley's Escalade and swung by Mallory's so that the healing could begin. Mallory burst into tears when she answered the door and saw Ashley. She blubbered on and on about how sorry she was and she didn't mean it about Ashley being such a difficult person and would she ever forgive her ? Ashley countered, "No, you're right, I was a bitch." That dried Mallory's tears in like a millisecond. You should have seen the way she looked at Ashley, as if she had suddenly been inhabited by aliens. "Really ? You agree with me ?" Ashley admitted that we both had decided to turn over a new leaf. We outlined our master plan and, in a fit of hysterical delight, Mallory got on board.

Step two : My making up with Zara, was a lot more complicated. We piled back into the Escalade, and drove out to the country club where Zara's cousin Chinay let us in and told us we'd find her out by the tennis court. Zara was out there banging the crap out of tennis balls flying at her at eighty mph, courtesy of the latest in tennis-ball-serving technology. To say she was stunned to see the three of us parade onto her court would be putting it mildly. Five tennis balls in a row whizzed by her head, hitting the wall behind her before she gathered herself up and resumed lobbing the balls back across the net. I have to hand it to Zara. She's no Williams sister but she could hit that ball for sure. Ashley and Mallory shot the breeze with her for a few minutes, commenting on how lovely her home was and how lucky she was to have a tennis court, she must just love that. Zara grunted out polite comments in between hits, but it was clear she wasn't really thrilled to have us there. Me, I stood watching each ball shoot out of the machine, vaguely listening to this conversation go down until Ashley announced we were here on a mission.

"Go ahead, Jane, " said Ashley. "Tell her."

"Tell me what ?" Zara didn't even glance my way.

I cleared my throat. "Well. Um. I've been thinking about what you said. And you're right. I'm the one who pushed things so that we got in trouble. And if I had kept my mouth shut, we would have gone home and gone to bed and slept like little angels."

Zara slammed another ball over the net. Was it my imagination or was she banging on those balls even harder than when we arrived ?

"And ?" prompted Ashley.

"And that even though I am often convinced that I am the all-knowing mistress of the universe, I should respect your feelings about how to handle situations that apply to you."

"And ?"

"And I'm going to try to keep my mouth a little more closed and try to be a little more civil in my approach to discord."

"And ?"

Oh shoot. Here came the hard part. I became riveted by the top of the tennis net blowing in Bienville's perky summer wind.

"Jane ?" Ashley prompted.

I sighed. "Fine. I'm sorry."

Zara stopped hitting the ball. Put down her racket. Turned off the machine. "Okay, I accept. And thank you. But why did it take all three of you to come over here for one of you to apologize ?" So we told her our master plan, she agreed it was genius, and we quickly bundled ourselves back into the Escalade.

Next step : Caroline.

Mizz Upton nearly had a fit when she saw us all on her front porch. "I am as delighted I can be that you girls are finally getting along ! Isn't it wonderful ? And are we electing a queen today ?"

"No, not today, " said Ashley.

"But soon, " I added.

Mizz Upton sent us upstairs looking for Caroline. Really, all we wanted was Caroline's stamp of approval before we went any further. We were pretty sure she'd give it to us, but no one expected her to burst into tears of joy. She cried and cried and thanked us profusely then hopped in the car and off we went in pursuit of step four : Brandi Lyn.

I called Brandi Lyn's house, and her mother told us that she was working but she sure would love for us to visit ! So we all drove out to the Bienville Causeway, that long thin strip of land that traverses the Bienville Bay. It's a survivor, that strip of land. Like Brandi Lyn. It's lived through so many hurricanes and tropical storms, people say it's blessed. Well, except for the hollow shells of a dozen former motels and restaurants that were beaten into submission by 150 mph winds and thirty-foot waves. But not Karl's ! The original Karl (I think it's Karl IV who runs the place now) opened up a fried seafood stand back in the forties, then added a dining room off one side here, another off that side there, as the place grew more popular with each passing decade. When the hurricanes got bad, one of the Karls hired a couple of cranes and lifted the whole ramshackle sprawl of a place up on stilts not one, not two, but three stories high. You've got a great view - almost out to the Gulf of Mexico - once you take a seat at your table, but it is a major pain in the butt to get up there just to get your eat on. Believe it or not, there's no elevator.

Brandi Lyn went into hysterics when she saw us. "I cannot believe that y'all have taken the time to come and see me ! It is so sweet ! I've been missing you all week and here you are ! Come and sit ! Here ! Have the best picnic table in the joint ! And a basket of Karl's World Famous Puppies and Poppers - a delicious combination of hush puppies and jalapeo poppers (they're hot but not toooooooo hot) - on me !"

As we dove into Puppies and Poppers and brown plastic tumblers of Diet Coke, I got down to business. "Brandi Lyn, " I said, "we need you. And we have decided, as a group, that we are not letting you quit."

"Oh, y'all are so cute ! I am such a lucky girl ! But you know I can't afford it."

"Yes you can." And I laid out the next stages of the master plan.

When I was done, Brandi Lyn chewed on her lip. "I don't know, Jane. That's still a thousand dollars, easy, I bet !"

Ashley shrugged. "We're going to pay for it."

"You are ?" Brandi Lyn couldn't hide her surprise.

"I know I fought against you, " Ashley said. "But you're an asset to the Magnolia Maid community and we need you."

We all nodded our agreement.

"But it's too much !" Brandi Lyn protested. "I can't ask that of y'all !"

"I'd withdraw a thousand dollars of my own money right this very second if I didn't have to be a Magnolia Maid, " Caroline said, nodding vigorously.

Brandi Lyn burst into tears of joy. Sweet Willows a-Weeping, we were a crying bunch today. Brandi Lyn got another waitress to cover the rest of her shift, and we headed off into the hot, hot humidity to activate steps five through five thousand of the master plan.

It was going to be an action-packed couple of days.

It almost worked. The flurry of activity and excitement I had generated by figuring out the answer to the question, "What would Cecilia do ?" had almost gotten my mind off Luke.

Almost.

But not quite.

Every so often - okay, every five seconds or so - my encounters with Luke would pop into my head. And I'm not sure which was more harrowing, reliving the "he has a girlfriend" moment that made things suck, the "saving the bird" moment when things seemed awesome, or the ancient "busted by Cosmo" moment that served as the beginning of the end. All I knew was that I was NOT looking forward to seeing him again.

Unless it involved him crawling back to me with a dozen roses in his mouth, apologizing and begging me to forgive him.

As if there were a snowball's chance in high humidity of that.

Chapter Twenty

"Where are they ?" Caroline asked, her voice just loud enough to carry across the Boysenthorp Manor ladies' parlor where we were all dressing in anticipation of our impending grand debut.

"Shhhhhh !" I whispered, jerking my head in the direction of her mother. Mizz Upton was a nervous Nelly fluttering between Mallory and Ashley, making sure their dresses were fitting right. "Sure, Caroline, I'll fix your bow for you !" I announced cheerfully, acting like I was snapping her bow on the back of her dress. "Let me put a little extra fluff in that." I leaned close to Caroline's ear and lowered my voice. "They'll be here, don't worry."

If truth be told, though, I was a little worried, too. We had decided to proceed according to Mizz Upton's game plan, meaning that we had dragged Caroline, dress and all, down to Boysenthorp Gardens and insisted that she act as if she were going to make her debut with us. The idea behind this was that the less notice we gave Mizz Upton of the changes we were making in the lineup, the less time she would have to create reasons to prevent Brandi Lyn from coming out with us. But Caroline was right to be worried. Brandi Lyn was supposed to have arrived ten minutes ago with Teddy Mac Trenton and Lacey Wilkes Hawkes. Where were they ?

I whipped out my iPhone and dialed Brandi Lyn. "Where are you ?" I whispered.

Brandi Lyn's voice was shaking with nerves. "Something happened with the hem ! I don't know !"

"But you're on your way, right ?"

"We-ell, no, not quite yet."

"Brandi Lyn !" I screeched, then caught myself as Mizz Upton turned in my direction. I waved excitedly to Mizz Upton. "It's Brandi Lyn calling to wish us good luck." The Bobbed Monster gave a curt nod and left to inspect the Grand Verandah where we would be presented. "Brandi Lyn, the ceremony starts in thirty minutes. You have to get out here and get yourself dressed. Tell Miss Dinah Mae she has to stop."

Brandi Lyn sighed. "I know, but I hate to hurry her."

"Brandi Lyn, just do it ! She can fix the hem later !" I hung up before she could argue. The girls surrounded me, concerned.

Caroline gave me the most pained look ever.

"It will be fine. They'll be here." But not one of them looked reassured.

"I'm just so nervous. Aren't y'all nervous ?" Mallory attempted to slip her gauntlet - this totally pointless concoction of lace - over her fingers. Again and again, she couldn't get the elastic over her middle finger.

"Terribly." Zara nodded, picking at her ruffles.

"About to come out of my skin, " said Ashley, swaying back and forth to redistribute the weight of her dress.

"Me too, " I admitted. "With this Brandi Lyn thing and my dad coming, I'm about to die."

"When's he gonna get here ?" asked Zara.

"Soon, I guess. He flew into New Orleans, so he's driving over." I thought for a moment. "Come on, y'all, we cannot let this get to us. I know ! Let's do a dress check. Mallory, you want to kick it off ?"

She halfheartedly agreed, leading us through the insane list of items we were supposed to have on our bodies. "Let's, uh, start with the bottom then, " said Mallory. "Pantaloons ?" We lifted our skirts to check for the bloomers with giant pockets that we had to wear under the dress. Magnolia Maids aren't allowed to carry purses, so this is where we hid our lipstick, cell phones, car keys, etc.

"Check."

It was precisely at the moment that I had my skirts lifted to my stomach and I was about to say "check" when a male voice unexpectedly intruded into our lair. "Uh, Jane ?"

Thrilled, I whirled around. "Cos - Dad ?" But it wasn't Cosmo who stood in the threshold.

It was Luke.

"Hi, " he said, all tentative. Looking oh-so-handsome in dress pants and a jacket.

I was astonished. "Uh, hi, Luke. You know, um the dandies are all congregating down on the lawn. There should be some seats reserved in the first row."

"Yeah, I know. They're all down there. Except Teddy Mac."

"He's on his way."

"Good, good. And you know Ashley's cousin Henry took James's place."

"Yeah. Seems like a good choice."

"Sure." Luke's gaze traveled over to the other Maids, who were all staring at us like we were the live version of a reality show. "Um can we go somewhere a little more private ?"

"Okay." He led me out to the small verandah right outside the ladies' parlor and took a seat in a rocking chair, motioning for me to sit as well. I shook my head. "Sorry, I haven't mastered the art of sitting in the four circles of hell, I mean, hoops, yet."

"Oh sure." He jumped back up. He plunged his hands into his pockets and shrugged his shoulders high around his ears. And then we just stood there.

And stood there.

Finally, we both broke the silence : "You see -"

"What did you -"

"You first, " he said.

"Me ? You're the one who wanted to talk."

"Right. Okay, I admit it. I did drive by your house that night. And not because it's the shortcut to Dauphin. I've driven by a thousand times since I heard you got back to town."

Ohhhhhhhh. Intriguing. "Well, why didn't you?"

"I wanted to stop in. I just didn't know what to say."

"And probably your girlfriend wouldn't like it ?"

His brow furrowed. "My girlfriend ?"

"Posey or Mosey or whatever her name is. The one you called babe.'"

Looking embarrassed, he plunged his hands deeper into his pockets. "Yeah, that. She's just a friend. I know I kissed her but it didn't mean anything. I was, well, nervous."

Well, well, well, this was shaping up to be interesting indeed.

"The thing is, Jane, I thought if you really cared about me, you would have made an effort to get in touch with me."

Okay, it was time to clear the air. "But, Luke, I couldn't ! I was in so much trouble back then ! My father"

"I know."

"You know ?" He knew ?

"Ashley made a big effort to track me down and tell me."

"Ashley ? Darn it ! Remind me to kick her butt later."

"Nope, you can't !" I heard Ashley call through the window of the ladies' parlor. "I did you a favor !"

I poked my head through the window and parted the curtains to find Ashley, Mallory, Caroline, and Zara standing right there. "What are you doing ?" I asked.

"Nothing, " sang Mallory.

"This is sooooo romantic !" cooed Caroline.

"Do you think he's going to apologize ?" whispered Zara.

"Leave me alone ! Take your sneakifying little ears and go away !" I dropped the curtains and turned back to Luke. Inside, there was a kerfuffle of ruffles and ribbons as the girls maneuvered themselves to the other side of the parlor. I sighed. "Sorry, Luke. What were you saying ?"

"I don't know. That ever since I heard you were back in town, I've been a little out of my mind."

A tiny smile started to explore the corners of my mouth. "Out of your mind how, exactly ?"

"I tried to ignore it, tried to write you off, to convince myself that you weren't worth it. But I couldn't stop thinking of you. Why do you think I agreed to be Zara's dandy ?"

"Because Lancer and Jules and James were doing it ?"

"No. Because of you."

Because of me. Because of me ! Well, well. I was so surprised, I began exhibiting manners unbecoming a Magnolia Maid. Gaping being the main one.

"I never forgot you, Jane. Every girl I've ever been out with, I've compared to you. I know we were only twelve, I know it's been five years since we've seen each other, but still. I've been out with a dozen girls since then, and I can't help it. I can't get you out of my mind."

From the ladies' parlor came a long, drawn-out "awwwwwwww." Obviously the girls were still eavesdropping but my tongue was too tied to do anything about it.

"Well ?" he finally said. "I just poured my heart out to you here, Jane. Want to get back to me ?"

I handed him my parasol. "Hold this." I turned my back to him and moved aside the extra-wide strap that Miss Dinah Mae had sewn into my bodice. "See that ?"

"Wow. Your grandmother let you get a tattoo ?"

"Not really. See what it's of ?"

"Yeah, Cart" His voice trailed off. "Cartman ? You got a tattoo of Cartman ? Why ?" I just gave him a look. "Because of me ? You got a tattoo of Cartman because of me ?"

I really couldn't look at him now. "I never forgot you, either, Luke. Don't think my heart wasn't broken, too. It was. You were my best friend."

I swear I heard another "awwwwwwww" from inside but I was beyond caring at this point. This was just between him and me.

"So what do we do now ?" he asked.

"I don't know." I wished I could stop feeling so incredibly awkward and nervous. "What do you want to do ?"

"I don't know. Go on a date ?" Luke suggested.

"A date ? I can do that."

"Next Saturday ?"

"I think I'm available."

He nodded. "Okay. We're going on a date. Pick you up at seven." Luke lifted my lace-clad hand and bowed over it. "Until then, my lady." A smile broke out on his face and swam its way over to mine. He headed for the grand staircase that led to the Great Boysenthorp Lawn.

"Hey, wait !" I called after him. "You know where I live ?"

He tossed a grin over his shoulder. "Yeah. I drive by there all the time !"

I couldn't help beaming as I made my way back to the ladies' parlor and was immediately swarmed by the girls.

"That"

" was the"

" most romantic"

" thing"

"Ever !"

"I knew Luke Churchville would come through !" screamed Mallory. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it !" The girls jumped up and down. Well, as much as you can jump up and down in a fifty-pound dress.

"Y'all, please !" I beseeched. "Calm down ! It's just one date." But if that was the case, then why was my heart beating a billion times a second ?

"Just one date ?" Ashley scoffed.

"Yeah, " I said. "Let's just see how it goes."

Caroline rolled her eyes. "It's obvious where it's going to go."

I stifled a laugh. Then my phone vibrated in my pantaloons. I pulled it out and read a text. "Brandi Lyn's here, y'all, we've got to move !"

Zara and I scurried through the fussy public rooms of Boysenthorp Manor - well, as fast as two girls who have to collapse their hoopskirts in order to get through door frames can scurry - searching for Mizz Upton. We found her and Walter Murray Hill in the music room dispensing last-minute orders to the string quartet that would be playing background music during our appearance.

"Mizz Upton ! Mizz Upton !" I called.

"Maids !" She hurried over to me and Zara. "What are you doing out here ? No one's supposed to see you until you go onstage !" She dragged us away from the musicians to a side room where Zara and I held her hostage with a series of really dumb questions about the details of the proceedings. She was so annoyed - "Haven't we gone over this a dozen times ?" - that she didn't even notice a fully made-up Brandi Lyn dash across the verandah and into the ladies' parlor, Teddy Mac Trenton and Lacey Wilkes Hawkes trailing behind with garment bags.

A few minutes later, Mizz Upton was done with our ridiculousness. "If you don't know it now, I can't help you. It's almost showtime." She bustled into the ladies' parlor. "Maids, it's" Her voice trailed off.

Standing before her was Brandi Lyn, completely bedecked in full Magnolia Maid regalia. "What the ?" the Bobbed Monster started then stopped. She was clearly at a loss for words.

Frankly, so was I.

Because the answer to the question "what would Cecilia do ?" turned out to be simple : she would have done anything within her power to fix the situation, even if it meant giving someone the dress off her very own dress stand. The dress that had allowed Brandi Lyn back into the fold, that Lacey Wilkes Hawkes had bribed her favorite dry cleaner to touch up to perfection and, stat !, that Miss Dinah Mae had been nipping and tucking up to the very last second, wasn't brand-new. It was the dress my grandmother had pulled out of the attic, the dress I had tried on.

Cecilia's dress.

So in my mind, it wasn't Brandi Lyn who appeared before my eyes. It was my mother. For a moment, it was Cecilia, at seventeen, curtsying, twirling, laughing, showing off her ribbons and ruffles. It was Cecilia who rushed over and threw her arms around me. It was Cecilia who squeezed me tight and hugged me as if her life depended on it.

Mizz Upton stood straight as a board. "Would. Someone. Please. Explain. To me. What. Is going on ?" she said through clenched teeth.

We all exchanged glances. "Caroline ?" I prompted.

Caroline stepped forward. Paused. A pause so long that it made me fear she wouldn't be able to say what she had said she wanted to say. She fished a piece of paper out of her bodice. Licked her lips. Breathed. "Mother, '" she said, "I know that this is going to disappoint you, and for that I am very, very sorry.'"

Mizz Upton stared at her daughter. "What are you doing ?"

Caroline faltered.

"Come on, Caroline, you can do it, " said Ashley.

Caroline started to read. "Dear Mother, I don't want to be a Magnolia Maid. I respect the organization, and your tireless work for it, but I never wanted to try out, and I don't think, no, I'm certain that I never want to wear this dress. I feel very uncomfortable in the public eye and resent your attempts to thrust me into it.'" She gestured to Brandi Lyn. "Thanks to the generosity of the Fontaine Ventouras and Hawkes families, and all my sister Maids, Brandi Lyn Corey is now able to take her rightfully earned place on the Court. I speak for all of the girls here'"

We all nodded agreement.

" when I say that we all would like for you to respect that she is the fifth Maid as the judges initially decreed. I will agree to serve as alternate. But it is my sincere hope that I never have to fulfill those duties. Thank you, and I'm sorry.'"

As Caroline finished reading the letter, dear Lord (sorry, Brandi Lyn !), the silence was deafening. Caroline folded up the paper and placed it back in her bodice. She looked relaxed for the first time since I had known her, especially when we all gathered behind her and presented a united front.

Mizz Upton looked like she was about to faint. She yelled toward the verandah. "Walter ?! Please get in here ? Walter !"

Mr. Walter came running in, and Mizz Upton yammered up a storm about how she wasn't sure that Brandi Lyn could come back after resigning. And was she allowed to wear a dress from a bygone Maid ? It wasn't in the bylaws, she'd have to check with the Jaycees, Maids were required to commission their own dresses, etc. But old Walter Murray Hill took one look at the perfection that was Brandi Lyn in that dress, saw Caroline hanging back, looking relieved, and he clapped Mizz Upton on the back and declared, "Why, Martha Ellen ! The dress has tradition, okay. Just like the Magnolia Maids ! And as long as Miss Caroline is fine with it - "

Caroline nodded emphatically from the corner.

"- then we are good to go ! Let's do this !" he announced. That Mr. Walter. What a good man. "T-minus ten minutes and counting, " he said.

So ten minutes to go and I decided to peak outside at our audience. It looked like a billion people were crowded on the Great Lawn of Boysenthorp Gardens. Okay, slight exaggeration. More like one thousand. But that was a lot, considering how small B'ville usually felt ! I scanned the crowd, searching for Cosmo. It was impossible to find anyone, though. Except Grandmother, who, all of a sudden, was standing right in front of me.

"Jane, sweet pea, can I speak to you for a moment ?" she asked.

I followed her onto the verandah, the very site of my recent victory with Luke. "No problem, but make it quick, I was just looking for" I trailed off. Oh no. I looked at her and I knew. I just knew. "He's not coming, is he ?"

She shook her head. "He's got a big"

" convention in the Bahamas or deal to make in Norway or" I stopped. I was tired. My sarcasm tank had run out. I felt empty.

"I'm so sorry, " Grandmother said.

I shook myself. "It's okay. It's better really. Today has been so hectic anyway, you wouldn't believe all the drama we've had, and" I trailed off as the wave of disappointment washed over me.

Grandmother produced a handkerchief, lace, of course, from her handbag to dab away a tear that had formed at the corner of my eye.

I laughed. At least made a pathetic attempt to. "Yeah, wouldn't want to ruin all this makeup Mizz Upton had us put on."

A sad smile tweaked Grandmother's lips. "He'll be there for you one day, Jane. I think he's gone so often because it's easier for him not to remember. He's haunted."

"But I miss her, too, Grandmama. I loved her, too. Why can't we miss her and love her together ?"

Grandmother sighed. "Honey, sometimes it doesn't work that way. There's no telling how people are going to react to things. Sometimes they push away from each other when they should be circling in."

I knew what she meant.

I shrugged. I wanted to believe her. Wanted to believe that one day he would come back to me. That I would be enough. But I wasn't so sure.

I looked at Grandmother and felt a surge of love. For her, I would be hopeful. "I guess I just have to accept it, don't I ?"

Grandmother smiled for real and gave me a quick kiss on the forehead. "That's my girl. Now. This is supposed to be one of the most memorable days in a Magnolia Maid's year. You get back in there and have the time of your life ! Okay ?"

It was Grandmother. How could I possibly say no ?

Chapter Twenty-one

When I returned to the ladies' parlor, Zara could tell something was off.

"Everything okay ?" she asked.

I shrugged and whispered, "My dad." She squeezed my hand in solidarity.

And Great Day in the Morning, y'all, but you could have knocked me over with the tiniest of feathers if you had even hinted at what transpired next.

Walter Murray Hill announced that it was time for the final vote for queen. He handed out white slips of paper and instructed us each to write down the name of the Maid we thought should be queen. In the event of another tie, God forbid, he and Mizz Upton would make the final call. After all, we couldn't make a debut without a queen ! I scribbled Brandi Lyn on my white slip and handed it back. I saw Ashley giving Mallory and Caroline the eye and thought, oh great. Ashley's still twisting arms into voting for her. After everything we'd done together this week. Puh-leez. Zara and Brandi Lyn breezily jotted down their votes. I smiled at them. They smiled back.

Walter Murray and Mizz Upton huddled together to tally the votes, and to my great delight, Mizz Upton looked greener and greener with every opening of a slip of paper.

"It's about time y'all agreed on something, " she muttered. But she was disgusted. I could tell. Why else would her Este Lauder Maraschino-colored lips be scrunched up like a lemon ? I took it as good news - someone from Ashley's team had finally woken up, smelled the magnolias, and decided to vote for Brandi Lyn.

Walter Murray Hill, however, maintained an inscrutable expression until the very last slip of paper was opened, and then a grin wider than the Grand Canyon split his face. "Congratulations, Maids, we have a new queen." He turned to us girls, and I must admit, his excitement was contagious !

We all gathered around him and joined hands like a bunch of beauty-pageant finalists.

"It is my supreme pleasure to announce that the young lady who will be our primary ambassadress of the city of Bienville, the leader of her sister Magnolia Maids, the queen of the Magnolia Court is Miss Ashley Jane Fontaine Ventouras !"

Miss Ashley Jane Fontaine Ventouras. The name reverberated in my head. Miss Ashley Jane Fontaine Ventouras. Miss Ashley Jane

"Oh my God !" I screeched. "That's me !"

*****

There's a whole chapter in the Magnolia Court Orientation Handbook titled "Manners Befitting a Maid Upon Revelation That She Is Queen of the Court." It goes something like this, with a few flourishes for dramatic purposes :

1. DO smile humbly and thank your Magnolia sisters for having faith in you and selecting you as their leader.

2. DO NOT gasp with shock, widen your eyes in surprise, then berate your sisters for being out of their minds. Magnolia Maids are supposed to be hostesses extraordinaire, and having an inherent ability to repress and ignore any and all elephants in the room is a requirement of gracious Southern living.

3. DO take your place at the head of the flight formation and prepare to lead your flock out to the clamoring crowd gathered under the oaks of Boysenthorp Gardens.

4. DO NOT remain frozen solid, actively shoving bile back down your throat as you ponder what part of "I'm the rebel in the group" those Magnolia sisters of yours did not understand.

Guess who violated number 1, committed number 2, was incapable of performing number 3, and absolutely one hundred percent enacted number 4 ?

Me.

*****

"No, no, no, you didn't mean me." My eyes pleaded with Mr. Walter to make it all go away.

"I sure did, Jane." He squeezed my arm. "And I think it's a fine choice for the year we're getting ready to have. Now. Y'all get in formation and let's go meet the good people of Bienville, okay !"

The string quartet launched into some ode to summer, and Mr. Walter headed out the French doors to the Grand Verandah. A moment later, a microphone kicked on and we heard Mr. Walter welcome the crowd and begin his opening speech.

Meanwhile, I was as frozen as Caroline had been when she heard her name announced as alternate. I felt milliseconds away from pulling a Brandi Lyn and fainting. Seeing my condition, the girls rallied around to prop me up and fan me with the three-hundred-dollar fans Miss Dinah Mae had made for us. I glared at them all. "How could you ? What were you all thinking ?"

"You take care of us, Jane, " said Brandi Lyn.

"You solve our problems, " said Mallory.

"You care about our feelings, " said Caroline.

"You have an admirable sense of justice, " said Zara.

"But I pick fights ! I get you into trouble !" I whirled on Ashley. "You agreed to this ?"

"It was my idea."

"You've lost your mind. I thought you wanted to be queen."

Ashley shrugged. "What with my recent heartbreak and not-so-private humiliation, I've had enough of being in the public eye for a while."

"Well, what about Brandi Lyn ? Remember ? Weren't we going to vote for her ?"

"That's sweet, Jane, " Brandi Lyn said. "But we all agreed. You're our true leader."

Off in the distance, I could hear Mr. Walter working the crowd. It was happening. The debut presentation had actually started.

Mizz Upton butted her way through Brandi Lyn and Mallory. "Jane, what in the world is going on here ? You're supposed to be out there in two seconds ! Do we need a doctor ?"

"No." I am sure it did look that way. I would have fallen on my ruffle-encased behind if Ashley and Zara had not been holding me up.

"What then ? Are you refusing to be the queen ? It is a rather" - her evil eye traveled angrily around the circle - "unusual choice. If you aren't feeling up to it, we can recall the decision and Walter Murray Hill and I can choose." Anticipation dripped from every one of Mizz Upton's words. Once again, she was dying for me to resign.

And frankly, this was one of Mizz Upton's ideas that actually sounded appealing. As Brandi Lyn would have put it, being queen was so not in my five-year plan. I was no queen. I was the anti-queen. What were the girls thinking ?

I searched the beautiful bright faces all around me : Zara. Mallory. Ashley. Caroline. Brandi Lyn. I glanced out the window at the gorgeous Bienville summer day and once again wondered what would Cecilia do now ?

Brandi Lyn, wearing my mother's dress, squeezed my hand. "Please, Jane, " she said. "We need you."

Suddenly, I knew the answer.

I aimed one last petrified glance at the girls, painted a glittering smile onto my face, and addressed the firing squad of Mizz Upton. "Actually, ma'am. I believe that if the girls want me, we should follow tradition and honor our legally held election." I nodded at the Maids. "Get into position, Maids !"

"But this is a terrible idea !" Mizz Upton sniffed. "This can't possibly work !"

Ignoring her, the girls lined up behind me. Brandi Lyn and Ashley on one side, Zara and Mallory on the other, Caroline, many happy steps behind.

"It's going to work just fine, " I said. "Ready, girls ? One, two"

On three, we all stepped forward in perfect unison with our right feet. The French doors to the Grand Verandah magically swung open and we floated as one outside to greet the mass of cheering Bienvillites.

And it was at that moment that I finally heard it. The voice that had eluded me for nine years. It was only eight tiny little words, but I felt them in my heart, just like Grandmother said I would.

Welcome back, Jane, said my mother with warmth and hope, love and joy, reassurance and affection. I'm so glad you're home.

Acknowledgments

I couldn't write a novel about the power of friendship without giving a shout-out to my family and to all my friends who encouraged its writing from the very beginning, especially Gail Lerner, Gina Neff, Karyn Kusama, Lisa Brown, and Daniel Handler.

Many thanks to Hedgebrook and the Elizabeth George Foundation for supporting the writing and research of the project and to the many good people who launched the finished book into the world : particularly my crackerjack agent Meredith Kaffel, who found it a home with the fabulous Regina Griffin at Egmont USA, and Molly McGuire, the most insightful, cheerful editor a girl could ask for.

A curtsy to the City of Mobile, Alabama, and its beautiful Azalea Trail Maids for inspiring the world of the story. Special thanks to the Boutwell family for their kind hospitality, especially to Emily for aiding and abetting my research. I am grateful to the Azalea Trail Maid alumnae who so enthusiastically shared their experiences on the Trail and explained the ins and outs of the hoopskirt : Dr. Be Phetsinorath, Meridy Jones, Leslie Foster Gaston, Katie Patterson, Anna Flock, and Alexandra Twilley.

Last but not least, this book would not exist were it not for Susan Boutwell Cannon. Thanks for being the one person I could talk to back then, and for being the one person who truly understands it all now.

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